Bare Cheek: Simulated Video shop top open in Hove
A recent report has found that, with the closure of most of Britain’s video shops, people are missing the experience of going out to hire a DVD. With this in mind, a simulated video shop has opened on Western Road in Hove, on the site of the old ‘Video Box’.
The shop, ‘Virtual Video’, offers a totally realistic DVD-hiring experience, right down to the bargain bin of Jackie Chan clunkers, expensive family sized bags of Revels and tubs of Haagen Dazs, and slightly over-friendly man in a t-shirt with beard and piercings behind the counter.
Upon entering the shop, the ‘customer’ is told to request a recent movie. He is then told that all copies are out before being made to choose between an Adam Sandler film that has been badly reviewed, a Korean horror movie he has never heard of, and Semi Tough, the 1977 American football Burt Reynolds comedy.
For an extra fee, an employee will pretend to be the sexual partner of the customer, and the two can enact a thirty-five minute discussion/argument about which DVD to get, ending in a screaming, knock-down row, and the decision to get out (with bad grace) The Big Lebowski again.
“It was great,” said Seven Dials resident Terry Presley, exiting the shop. “I’d completely forgotten what a wonderfully mind-numbing and excruciating business getting a DVD out was. I’ve just spent an hour and ten minutes in there desperately searching for something I’ve not even a 5% interest in watching. In the end I gave up, and just decided to get Semi Tough again, only to be told that actually it was out and someone had put the box back on the rack by mistake.
Genius. Right, I’m off home now to download the new Star Wars film off Pirate Bay.”
Microsoft Word memories
CELEBRITIES SHARE THEIR REMINISCENCES OF THE WORD PROCESSING PROGRAM…
THIS WEEK: POP PHILOSOPHER ALAIN DE BOTTON
“Hey, remember that giant paperclip with the googly eyes who’d pop up and say ‘Looks like you’re trying to write a letter’? Jesus, was that guy a pain in the ass!
Listen bub, maybe I am trying to write a letter – and maaaybe it’s no goddamn business of yours! What was all that about eh?”
NEXT WEEK:
Sprinter Usain Bolt on his difficulties with the cut/paste function.
THE BARE CHEEK AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION TO THE BETTERMENT OF ALL HUMANKIND
This week, our award for outstanding contribution to the betterment
of all humankind goes to …
GREGGS THE BAKERS
… for the simple and ingenious innovation of applying thin sheets of polythene to the tops of their iced fingers prior to bagging, thereby preventing the previously all-too-common occurrence of the paper cleaving to the icing and, on removal, stripping the bun bare, leaving what is, in effect, a plain bread roll.
