Andrew Bullock: Made in Chelsea

Andrew Bullock on the highs and lows of SW3’s social elite

Ok, so we’re back in Chelsea, which is good because we were all starting to get a bit homesick and upset. The New York series ended with one of the last possible romantic linkages amongst the cast. No, not Sam and Wheeze – Lucy and Proudlock. Will they/won’t they?

Oh, look … it’s Andy. Frankly, we’d forgotten he existed. He is surfing and looks a bit like a red sponge. Apparently it is brand new news to him that Wheeze hooked up with Alik in New York. I don’t believe you, Andy. I think you were watching the series whilst simultaneously stuffing your face with Oreos, like the best of them.

Toff’s back, all chummy with Sam. He’s upset because he needs a job. And a woman. Poor Sam – always with a smile on his face, yet always so tragic. They play tennis with Jamie, and Sam asks for an internship. What is it with this TV show and internships? Jamie says Sam can as long as he doesn’t “give chat back”. If only Sam could apply that to life in general.

Sitting in a Devonshire garden amongst the rhododendrons are Binky, Wheeze and Lucy. Binky asks Wheeze if she and Alik love each other. Lucy looks on with pursed lips. Lucy then has to depart to help her sister, who is moving to Chelsea. She leaves out the rest, which is “… to ride on the coat-tails of my MIC success”.

That night, Andy has a bonfire and everyone dances around it like a bunch of hoodie-wearing meth addicts. Enter Will and Lonan. Lonan is a bit of a poor man’s Proudlock. I think there’s potential romance in the air here, but I don’t know who between. Lonan and Binky? Will and Binky? Lonan and Will?

The boys are at Dirty Martini. Lucy enters with her underwhelming sister; Tiffany is shorter, pointier, and appears to not have a personality.

Andy looks a bit like a red sponge

Alik arrives in Chelsea. Wheeze takes him for drinks and Binky explains to him what ‘the coast’ is – because they don’t have that in America.
Proudlock is walking Lucy’s dog, but the two haven’t spoken since getting back from New York so how has he got his hands on her animal? On top of this, he is dressed like a baker boy and looks like Tilda Swinton.

It’s Spenny’s birthday; ‘Saints and Sinners’. Alik greets Spenny, which is hard to do when you’ve each got a pair of oversized wings strapped to your back. Alik asks Spenny if he went to Devon (he clearly hasn’t a clue what Devon is). Spenny creates drama by telling him that that Andy and Wheeze were in Devon together. OMG, they were both in the same county at the same time. Call Devonshire MP Hugo Swire NOW!

Proudlock comes over to Lucy, breaks the ice, and suggests they go out on a quiet date and not tell any of the others. She is positively coquettish and slightly lost for words. Is this love? MIC marriage???
Andy decides to pop over and say hello to Wheeze and Alik. Rather than simply say hello, he instead decides to reveal that he is “gutted” that these two have found Anglo-American love. Sadly, Alik doesn’t know what “gutted” means, so Andy’s bitter scorn falls on deaf ears.

Next week’s predictions: It would seem that Lucy doesn’t trust Proudlock. I predict that deep down, Lucy can’t bring herself to trust a man with a dangling earring.

Andrew’s blog can be read at drewjbullock.wordpress.com