Andrew Bullock: Made in Chelsea: episode 3

Andrew Bullock on the (many) highs and lows of Chelsea’s elite

Who’d have thought it? Alik is a rosé drinker! He’s a frowning, eyebrow raising rosé drinker. He’s having a drink with Wheeze, fresh off the back of the news that he is actually a lying, cheating, adulterous rosé drinker. Wheeze doesn’t know yet though, although Small Sam is striding across the park as they speak to tell her.

Spenny takes Jamie out to devastate him a bit. In a nice double blow, he announces to him that Lucy and Proudlock are dating (which isn’t strictly the case) and that Proudlock is going to move in with Stevie. Jamie is all; “but they’ve known each other for three months!” Um, Jamie, no they have not. MIC has been on for like, four years. This is season 8, girlfriend, get with the program. Unless Chelsea is positioned on the axis of a time loop in which history stands still. Or perhaps Proudlock has the lifespan of a tortoise.

Alik has left Wheeze and Binky to chat. He is probably either seeing the sights of London or flopping around on top of another woman. Sam enters, with mud on his shoes from the war path, and drops the bomb about Alik. Don’t Sam and Wheeze live together? You’d think he’d have told her that morning over their matching bowls of Oat So Simple.

Proudlock and Lucy are playing ping pong and giggling like a couple of 14 year olds at a rec centre on a Saturday in Newcastle city centre.

Wheeze confronts Alik and he denies his betrayal. He shouts in her face. Wheeze explains that she could “literally really be sick”.

Lonan has settled right into being on Made In Chelsea. He may as well unpack his grandmother’s antique lamp, put on his house coat and empty a new packet of mini battenbergs into the cake tin. He’s playing golf with Will and swinging his club around like he owns the place. No-one likes arrogance, Lonan. Check ya’self.

Jamie is pretending he knows how to type on a computer when Alik comes to see him at his office. He is not happy about the dirty rumours that Jamie has been sprinkling about the place. Alik defends himself. Alik then goes to see Wheeze and convinces her that he did not perform adultery without her consent. She forgives him.

Proudlock’s got a new word: ‘beast’

Andy tells Lucy that Proudlock has been getting with other girls. A silent tear descends her milky cheek.

Once again we have an oddly-themed, unexplained party happening in a National Trust garden somewhere. Will asks Binky out, properly. It’s very sweet until he leans on his croquet mallet and I see that he has star tattoos by his ear. Proudlock’s got a new word: ‘beast’. Where this has come from we do not know, but he says it repeatedly until Jamie shuts him up by confronting him about moving in with Stevie. He then attempts to defend his slutdom by declaring that when he said he wanted to ‘give it a go’ with Lucy he didn’t mean ‘go out’. Lucy, however, has made an early exit in the Addison Lee.

Next week’s predictions: Alik and Alex will form a men’s club for untrustworthy men whose names begin with an ‘A’. Can I join?
Andrew’s blog can be read at drewjbullock.wordpress.com

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