Bare Cheek: Lonely Hearts
Brian Mitchell and Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column
Simply email Latest 7 magazine quoting the relevant number from the list below and you will be put in touch with a potential life partner.
RELIGIOUS woman would like to meet TALL SOLVENT MAN for romance. Look, just because I’m religious doesn’t mean I’m no fun. It’s not all praying, talking about Jesus and reading the bible, you know. Though, to be fair about 99% of it is that. And it doesn’t mean there won’t be any sex. Though we’ll have to be married first obviously. Look, I’m not a weirdo, okay? Praise Jesus.
Contact Caroline on 2385
UGLY USELESS IMPOTENT POVERTY-STRICKEN LOSER would like to meet woman whose life he can make miserable.
Contact Honest Paul on 2106
44 year-old WOMAN. Will take ABSOLUTELY ANYBODY. Doesn’t have to be a man. Or human. Or sentient.
Contact Lilian on 5532
DEFINITELY NOT MARRIED forty-something man would like to meet ATTRACTIVE WOMAN for sexy fun. I just wanted to make it clear that I am a SINGLE and UNMARRIED man with absolutely no ties. Don’t call the house after 6.30pm though.
Hove, factually
Five facts you never knew about fantabulous Hove:
1 Hove was originally called ‘Hovel’, but the ‘l’ fell off the first welcome sign. At the time a local wag, when asked if he lived in Hovel, was heard to answer “No – Hove actually,” and a legend was born.
2 Poltergeists are troublesome guests, hurling objects about and overturning furniture. Not so in the Seafield pub, whose mild-mannered poltergeist, dubbed by regulars ‘Wreck-less Eric’, collects the empties. His only misdemeanours are intermittently shouting answers in the quiz and eviscerating anyone who orders coffee.
3 A1 News on Blatchington Road is a newsagents with a twist – it specializes in periodicals that deal exclusively with incidents on, and issues surrounding, the Great North Road.
4 In 2013 the residents of Poets’ Corner were each issued with a free sat-nav app as all the pubs there had changed their names so often it was no longer possible to follow or give directions.
5 Like Venice, Hove has an elected Doge. Past holders of this exalted office include Derek Jamieson, Sir Roger De Coverley, Alfalfa, Pat Coombs, Captain Blood, the Birdseye Burgers couple, Lene Lovich, the Professor from Michael Bentine’s ‘Potty Time’, Childe Roland, Brian the Weetabix, Dolly Pond, Ozymandias, Sly the Cat, Cecil Northcote Parkinson, Preston from Big Brother, Nellie Pickersgill, and Manimal.
