Andrew Kay: Happy Birthday

Let’s not be a party pooper

An email has just pinged into my inbox announcing that a survey has shown that silly over-the-top kids’ birthday parties are a thing of the past. Well hooray for that.
You might want to get your hankies out now – I only ever had one birthday party, when I was six. It was going to be such a fun affair, mum had made jellies and cakes, there were games – musical chairs and pass the parcel, we even borrowed the bench from the local fish and chip shop so that everyone could sit down for tea.
My present was a tool kit and the highlight of the afternoon would be that everyone would get a turn at sawing a piece of wood – ah simple pleasures.
Sadly though the whole thing went very wrong when my baby brother had some sort of a fit and had to be rushed off to hospital. It marked the start of a terribly poorly childhood for the little mite and it marked the end of birthday parties for us both. Now you can wipe away those tears, if they are for my lost party or for my sickly sibling, it does not matter.

I agree with the email that arrived too, kids’ parties do seem to have got out of hand, major productions that cost an arm and a leg, bouncy castles, magicians, musicians, face painting, goodie bags, trips to the theatre, bowling, theme parks, restaurants…. Whatever happened to a game of beat the kipper and a slice of jam and butter-cream filled sponge cake wrapped in a party napkin on your way out?
The children of a good friend went to a party a few years back and they each came home with a brand new G–Shock watch, yes a pricey fashion watch that most of us, should we want one, would have to save up for or seriously consider whether we could afford the outlay.
I am heading towards a big birthday. It’s no secret, in February I am going to be 60. That’s not a hint for you to start saving up, I really don’t want or need a G-Shock watch thank you.
It does leave me wondering how to celebrate this momentous occasion. When I was 40 I threw a big bash in the dome room of what was the Sussex Arts Club and is now part of Hotel du Vin, there was wine, beer and food and a big Cèilidh band and caller. With over 100 guests it was a great gathering. My happiest memory is of me swinging my mum around as we stripped the willow and her shouting out that she had just been swung around by a priest in full clericals – and so she had!
It was a marvelous evening and a fitting way to see out what had been the end of a bad period in my life. We danced until late, drank too much and laughed until our sides ached. I think that country dancing is the very best way to get diverse friends to mingle and that night proved it true.

My fiftieth was a decent bash too, at home with plenty to drink and lots of my favourite food. I did the catering myself because my then partner said that I was too much of a control freak to be happy with anything anyone else might suggest or make. He was right and I spent the weekend cooking my socks off, which always makes me happy.
Now it’s almost time for 60 and I really am undecided. I want to mark it, but do I want a big bash, or a quiet event with just a few really special friends? How do you decide that, how do you make that list and decide on where the cut off for special friends lies, and then for acquaintances?
I was out with people I know recently and in a quiet moment one leaned over to me and said this: “We’re not really friends are we. We’re merely people who know each other.”
I was surprised if not shocked, and I was upset too. I value my friends. I like to think that I value the people that I know too. This moment clarified in my mind one thing. If you really need to think about whether someone is a friend or not then they are probably not.
So there you have it, there will be no bouncy castle or magician, there will be no goodie bags either, but what I hope there will be, no matter how large or small, is a gathering of true friends and not people who merely know me.