Andrew Bullock: The Box

MADE IN CHELSEA SEASON 10 EP 2

So Spenny’s a gymnast these days. At the gymnasium, after a couple of jaunty flourishes mid-air, he backflips his way into a pile of foam. Sam’s there, sulking about Tiff. He ridicules the faceless entity that is Tiff’s Hong Kong lover. This belittlement would be justified if Sam didn’t follow it up with two of the poshest sentences ever uttered: “I’m sitting there, wooing Mr. Watto” and “I’ve been in Hong Kong macking on with Perce.”
Mytton tells Jess that she’s playing Jamie like a fiddle and it needs to stop. He also warns her that if she carries on like this she’ll lose all of Jamie’s friends too. Panic flashes across her face at the prospect of not having a storyline.
Lucy begins “operation spin Tiff’s cheating around so that Sam takes the blame for it”. You can tell she’s loving the dramatic potential because she’s using phrases like “Sam will take this to the grave” as if they’re all in ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’.
Jamie calls Jess from Ibiza, where he’s supposed to be giving her space. He instead invites her out to join him and Emily, who is perched on a rock in the backdrop with her legs positioned as if she were a bare-breasted mermaid.
Ollie gets his hair re-dyed after Binky did an inadequate job. While the dye sets, he calls JP. He lets his phone touch the dye, which really upsets me to be honest. Look after your things Ollie! JP is wary of the phone call but Ollie asserts that he simply wishes to have some man-on-man action. He actually means man-to-man. #freudianslip

Over in Ibiza, Wheeze is all “it’s great to be away” despite the fact that they were in LA five minutes ago and that she doesn’t have a job. Lucy asks Sam if he’s being an enormous hypocrite and if he actually cheated on Tiff. She is referring to the photo that was taken of him on a sofa in a nightclub with a girl straddling him. Course he wasn’t cheating on Tiff, he asserts. Lucy tells him not to play the victim and he tells her he’s not scared of her.
Ollie tells JP to get his act together Re: Binky. This doesn’t really help and if anything makes matters worse.
Harney phones Steph and asks her out – to play tennis which basically involves Harney trying to assert his physical prowess. Lucy and James disclose, during the tennis match, that they time each other in the shower. I bet that’s not all they time. Harney tells Steph he’d be happy to clean out her pipes, upgrading the date from bad to hideous.

Jess and Jamie have yet another talk about their ridiculous joke of a romance.Jess says that they’re not sexually compatible, which she screams into the swimming pool water as if she were pleading to Poseidon himself for guidance. Jamie is “done”. Let’s face it, he’s not.
Tiff and Sam have it out. Sam can’t forgive her. Her mascara runs. I realise that I can count my back teeth with my tongue.
Andrew Bullock is a producer, presenter and writer. You can read more at www.drewjbullock.wordpress.com