Andrew Bullock: The Box

This episode should be called ‘Everyone Hates Emma’ – because they do, and she deserves it. At the amateur boxing club Jamie pretends to act shocked when Spenny announces that he and Lauren are no more. As if on cue, Emma struts in with her confused accent and waifish attitude. She’s wearing an outfit that makes her look like Taylor Schilling in Orange is the New Black. Then it all gets flirty flirty.
To make matters worse, Emma doesn’t even drink coffee. Binky has to bring her a green tea post-workout. You are NOT Gwyneth Paltrow, alright Emma!?
Jess wants to give Jamie a balloon as a gesture of friendship. A gesture of patronising, slap-in-the-face friendship. Mark Francis is on the phone speaking in a foreign tongue when he joins Richard, Rosie and Binky for brunch. It sounds like he’s flirting a bit. Has he taken a lover on one of his private islands? They start talking about Emma. He’s all “who’s Emma”. Indeed, Mark Francis!

Turns out Jess went to see a rugby game that Jamie was performing in (as the mascot) and snogged some random man in the audience whilst she was meant to be watching Jamie run about (dressed as a giant cockerel). This leads to Jamie taking her friendship balloon and practically deflating it in her face by telling her that he has now erased her from his life. (They’ll be friends again by Christmas.)
Just as he is about to float the suggestion that they firm up their sexless relationship, Emma tells Ollie that she kissed Spenny. Ollie is all “but we were doing lots of kissing on the lips and holding hands”. Sorry, but are we literally watching 10- year-olds here? Ollie tells Richard and Binky who sort of laughs in his poor little face.
Tiff tells Lucy about her new career move as Rosie’s pointless intern. Lucy is NOT happy. She is all “Rosie Fortescue? Ew?” Did I miss something here? When did Lucy start hating Rosie so vehemently?
Ollie admits to wearing make-up and having Botox, but leaves out the fact that he appears to have Nivea pearl chapstick on as well. He then tells Spenny and Emma that they’re horrid.
Richard tells Toff that his robots are his friends and that he’d quite like to introduce her to them. Across the room, Mark Francis says that his hair reminds him of Camilla Parker-Bowels. Sorry, the Duchess of Cornwall.
Andrew Bullock is a producer, presenter and writer. You can read more at www.drewjbullock.wordpress.com