Nangle Natters: Up a Lear gear

My family had a term when I was growing up – Pussyowl. It was a character from a book that I have never read and have never come across, but was supposedly about the child of the Owl and the Pussycat from the Edward Lear poem. You know the one, “The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea in a beautiful pea green boat….” This interspecies elopement was full of a certain colourful wonder, so it stands to reason that offspring resulting from their union wold be a bit different.

Pussyowl wasn’t an easy person. It was explained to me that you could be a friend of Pussyowl’s but that’s didn’t necessarily mean Pussyowl would be a friend to you. What’s the difference? Apparently it means that Pussyowl won’t bite and scratch you too much.

All of us were described at different times of behaving a bit ‘Pussyowl-ish’. Scratchy, snippy, probably a bit like a cat that comes over to you in an alright fashion and then tries to bite your hand while you’re giving it a gentle scratch behind the ears. As annoying as this is for everyone else involved it does give one a very important message: just because someone is nice to you, it doesn’t mean that you have to be nice to them back.

Interspecies elopement was full of a certain colourful wonder

Now, that sounds like I’m advocating going round like the selfish king of the world – that’s not what I mean. I just mean that it’s good to bear in mind that someone else’s generosity does not trump one’s own autonomy. You want to take me out for a steak dinner and a movie? That’s very kind but I want to go for a walk. On my own. You’ve offered to drive me to the perfect spot – in Paris? Nope, I want to wander the Downs – on my own. Very nice of you to be so nice, but I have other plans and you can’t put the kibosh on them with money and grand gestures.

I’m sounding angry, and I’m not. With all these articles popping up about gaslighting and emotional manipulation within relationships it strikes me that we could all do with behaving a little Pussyowl-ish from time to time, if for no other reason than to stay in touch with what it is we actually want. There are so many ways to have fun and socialise it’s easy to be caught up in a current of others’ enthusiasm, only to find yourself the only one at an amusement park in a fowl mood because you never wanted to go on a roller coaster in the first place – but never spoke up.

‘Pussyowl’ was never a compliment in the family, but it wasn’t an insult either. It bore an affectionate respect. Which is something we all enjoy being on the receiving end of.