Seasoned Greetings! By Andrew Kay’s Dines Out

Christmas is coming
And I am getting fat
So please don’t put a panini in this old man’s hat
Let’s face it a panini is a way of charging more
For a drab old toasted sandwich
And for very little more

I’ve tasted almost everything
That chefs can put on a plate
From lobsters on a Goan beach
To a sausage in Margate

The oysters served in Canada
They certainly made me frisky
But the after effects of Canadian Club
Made the going far too risky

In Australia Pacific Rim
Was clearly a style too far
And the desperate lack of any carbs
Left me begging Sydney for more

You can call it jus if you have to
Watery and disappointing
But for me I like my gravy
Sticky and worth annointing
(that’s known as the persecution of the jus)

Craft gin is so in vogue now
Artisanally created
And the ten green bottles of our past
Are pretty much berated

And don’t get me on the craft ales
Served in cans that are so street arty
It’s beer my dear and lets be clear
That packaging is tarty

So on to tasting menus
Well taste is of course essential
But the portion size whilst financially wise
For the diner is pestilential

I like a decent portion here
A plate of satisfaction
And a piece of meat that’s nice to eat
And gives my mouth some traction

Don’t get me on decontructed
Or open ravioli
Or pies without a pastry base
They really are unholy

I’ve tapped right into tapas
I’ve dabbled with dim sum
I’m so sated now with sourdough
That the idea makes me glum

I’m sick to death of fusion
I’m bored with fancy waiting
And I’ll make it clear if I see one more smear
I’ll dis your cliched plating

So with Christmas on the horizon
Go stuff your festive turkey
Just let me loose on a plump old goose
And gin to keep me perky

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Twelve turkey drum sticks
Eleven maris pipers
Nine balls of stuffing
Eight maids of honour
Seven swans in batter
Six greasy goose breasts
Five doughnut rings
Four cauliflowers
Three French letters (well it is Christmas)
Two turtle soups…
…and a partridge fighting for its life
Only kidding, Merry “Whatsit! x