DON’T TELL MAMA
All Photos: Miles Davies
Butlin’s, January, Bognor Regis and a cold wind blowing in from the sea but sharp rays of sunshine breaking through the clouds. Hundreds, in fact two thousand people are bracing themselves against the chill and arriving, some with small backpacks and others with huge trunks, guests and performers turning up for the very first Don’t Tell Mama, three days of quality queer fun. Expectations are high, the atmosphere is alive and it’s only 3pm on day one.
I’m no Butlin’s virgin having done one of their classic music weekenders some years ago. Back then I was a Butlin’s virgin, my parents favoured holidays under canvas in a drizzly Lake District, always fun but often damp. My first time I was in a chalet in what is named Oyster Bay and I had a great time, Sonia, Katrina, Paul Young, the music of my twenties… but this time was going to be different.
That difference started with my accommodation, no chalet for me but a room on the sixth floor of Wave hotel, a chrome yellow double with an added cabin of bunk beds, a balcony and a sea view no less. It was spacious, wam, spotlessly clean with good linen, tea and coffee and free wifi. Had there not been so many things on the list to do and to see I could have quite happily enjoyed a relaxed stay looking out over the channel. That said my previous chalet experience was great a far cry from Hi De Hi for sure.
On though as the programme of events was far too good to wallow in the warmth of my yellow cocoon and very soon I headed out to reacquaint myself with the geography of the site and find my friends, yes there were lots of people that I knew going to be there and lots of new people to meet too.
Choosing what to see was first order of the day and making decision that slotted well together in what could be a busy and exhausting itinerary. So over a swift G&T Ms C, Ms S and I planned day one. They were very keen to see the final episode of The Traitors, I gave it five minutes but having not watched the series made my escape and headed to the central space to hear the tribute band ABBA Gold Europe. What’s not to love about a set of greatest hits from Sweden’s best loved export and these were delivered live with both conviction and accuracy. The audience, of all ages, genders and sexual preferences were lapping it up. I stayed until the end before heading off to hear Louise, no longer Redknap but always Eternal. She looked great and sounded as good as ever, and thanks to my VIP wrist band I was able to queue jump and sit in the VIP area. How I wished I was still able to stand and to dance but those days are gone so I indulged in a little singing along and foot tapping. But down at the front the crowd was going for it and loving Louise. There was plenty more to enjoy but I eventually slipped away to my bed.
Did I mention dinner? No, too busy remembering the revels. Decks is the main dining experience, buffet style and available as an add on package to the ticket price. I can highly recommend it, I know, I am a notorious foodie, or should I say food snob, I freely admit that. But Decks delivers, the food is fresh and tasty and the variety on offer is extraordinary and limitless. I shuddered to see some of the people piling plates greedily high when in all honesty we were encourage to go back for seconds or even thirds. Friday evening I dined on curried beef and tandoori style chicken with onion bhajis and popadoms followed by apple and raspberry crumble and ice cream. Saturday I chose bao buns with spicy pork and two kinds of gyoza, I know, who would have expected that, and it was good! Pudding was a creamy cheesecake. Sunday was a roast, various meats and all the usual sides, beef for me, tasty and tender and a chocolate dessert followed by by some Stilton. As good as any pub carvery I have ever been too, and the experience only marred by a person so desperately in need of a Yorkshire pudding that she knocked me flying. Thanks to the big beefy bears who came to my rescue.
Breakfast each day was generous, everything one might expect, plenty of it and delicious made to order omelettes too. Plus fruit juices, tea and decent coffee, it was a great start to the day and one that removed any need for lunch, although there were plenty options around the site should that be required – but who had time for lunch???
The staff at Butlin’s are excellent too, given my all to obvious mobility issues these day, there was always someone on hand to help and help with a smile.The security people were less friendly, not all, and a lady at reception explained that some were brought in contractors so that explained that.
Back now to the fun and games, and there was again plenty on offer. For reasons of my own I chose not to attend the pool party, I’m sure it was fun but we decided to head over to Reds for the Dragathon. Yes an afternoon of drag entertainment. Full on camp nonsense with each act given only enough time to deliver three or maybe four numbers and a few gags. I have to say that I was pleased to see that for the most part the performers kept it clean and certainly there was none of the hideous misogyny that was so rife in drag in the past. There were of course highlights and for me the afternoon was kept on a high note by compère Billy Gold. That lady can belt out a number and keep the crowd in order too. Brighton’s very own Pooh La May got things rolling, Dick Day had incredible energy and moves, Ophelia Payne ripped it up and Lovinia Belle soared vocally. But for me it was Kara Van Park who gave the performance of the afternoon. That voice is so impressive but so is that stage presence, having only ever seen her on small stages it was great to see her make full use of a huge stage and my can that girl work a wig, fearless!!!
I retired early from that in need of a nap before dinner and what was to come, sadly that nap meant that I missed Claire Richards but arrived in time for Vengaboys. Now forgive me for not really knowing anything about Vengaboys, a bouncy Dutch combo who seemed to me to be bounding about randomly and miming. Not impressed but clearly I was in the minority, the crowds, by now in fancy dress, lapped it up.
On the subject of dress, fancy or not, the crowds were vibrantly adorned in a vivid array of garments that could possibly have created a global sequin famine, those who were wearing clothes that is. Some of the outfits took the term skimpy to new heights, or should I say lows, one lacy number putting me off my pudding, well almost.
My next stop was off to see Baga Chipz, an act I had previously only seen on TV, so the sanitised version. I headed for the VIP area but sadly from my seat could only see the tip of Baga’s head, but she sings well and is very funny indeed. So time for bed for me although the party went on into the small hours.
Sunday morning, bright and early I headed over for breakfast where there seemed to be a lot of people nursing hangovers and seeking the restorative nature of a good English fry-up, better then paracetamol I believe. I ate mine smug in the knowledge that not drinking left me refreshed and ready for the day ahead.
That afternoon was going to be fun, I was sure of this because Alfie Ordinary is a consummate entertainer, re-inventing drag as a cheeky drag prince, and there he was, Kylied up for drag bingo. He had drawn a huge crowd and his hilarious set truly encapsulated the spirit of the whole weekend, a room packed with people all having the best of times, the bingo pop based rather than number and each song getting everyone singing along. It’s a clever act from a very clever performer and the perfect way to get into that Butlin’s vibe.
Staying put I waited for C’est Magnifique, a cabaret show in the Berlin style that has been wowing Brighton audiences for some time now. It’s packed with great numbers, great singers and choreography. Perhaps not in the right room but by the end of their set they had won over the crowd with their wit and talent, no mean feat in a room which by this point was running on a hefty diet of lager and Prosecco. And on that note it should be mentioned that Butlin’s bar prices are not over inflated.
What next? Am I tired? Am I flagging? Me? No! And rightly so as I am poised ready to see the star act of the weekend, the inimitable force of nature that is Myra Dubois. A star of the scene that until this point I had only seen online, remiss of me I know. After the ubiquitous overlong overture, out she comes, head to toe in slinky leopard print, giant handbag at her elbow and a tower of a coiffured wig. It may be called drag but in truth this is theatre, Myra is the best comic creation since Lily Savage, Dame Edna Everage, Victoria Wood’s Kitty and the many female manifestations of the late and great Stanley Baxter. There’s hints of Alan Bennett, whisps of Ena Sharples and Elsie Tanner and of course Hetty Wainthropp. But Myra is her own special creation, as the song goes, and she is as sharp as a knife and twice as dangerous. I roared with laughter from start to finish and ached the next day, comedy brilliance causing physical damage.
The first Don’t Tell Mama proved to be a resounding success, a wild crowd, very mixed in age, gender and sexual preference getting together in celebratory mood and from what I saw, apart from the queue barger, on their very best behaviour. The second event in 2027 is already in place and bookable and no doubt will attract a bigger crowd and more acts from the cream of LGBTQI+ entertainment and beyond. With thanks to E3 Productions, David Hill, Sharon Starr and the entire team.
https://www.dont-tell-mama.co.uk/
Andrew Kay
January 2026
Butlin’s Bognor Regis
Rating:
