The Landlady is not ready to hibernate just yet

It is now a week since I arrived back from the sunny isle of Ibiza and here in Brighton we seem to be in the throes of weather fashioned specifically for the misery of autumn. Autumn is my least favourite season as it heralds not only the onset of bad weather, but also serves to set off the alarm bells that indicate Christmas is imminent. It is not a season of hope or joy as far as I’m concerned. I was due to go back to Cuba in two weeks’ time for a further injection of sunshine, but since acquiring The New Boyfriend I have chosen to cancel my trip as The Old Boyfriend is sure to be lurking around Old Havana.

“Autumn sets off the alarm bells that indicate Christmas is imminent”

At least we had a fine old time in Ibiza and on our first night, even though we didn’t set foot in a nightclub, didn’t get home until 6.30am. Our flight arrived at around 11pm and after a few drinks in our hotel bar – where we were the only occupants – decided that we were starving and went out in search of food. At 3am, rather disgruntled at finding nothing serving anything food-like open, my friend N and I began to regret our decision to stay in a peaceful place, several kilometres from the fleshpots and KFCs of San Antonio. As we walked around the harbour in the hope of seeing an open kebab shop for the umpteenth time, we were lured into a two-seater red sports car by an Argentinian who claimed to be out on a hunt for food too.

In fact, we fear he was more an opportunist hunter of stray women, who had cleverly blinded us with mention of food. With N and I crammed into the front seat of the sports car – N sitting on my lap – he took us to a bar where there was actually no food at all, only beer, which was fair enough. He then tried to persuade us to let him sail us in his yacht – ahem – to the neighbouring island of Formentera.

Sadly, we were so desperate for a kebab that we simply had to turn down his offer and make him drive us back to our hotel – this time with me on N’s lap – where N and I made do with the Eat Natural cereal bars I’d had the foresight to bring with me. Although our 6.30am home time was only half an hour before breakfast at the hotel began, we were too tired and weak to wait and probably would have frightened people at the breakfast buffet anyway.

The following night, we continued to show Ibiza how it was done and, even though we’d booked €45 tickets for Space Nightclub, we didn’t even manage to get there until 4am yet were quite glad we’d spent the evening filling our boots in Ibiza town when we realised that a bottle of beer in Space was €12. At least you can’t accuse me of not getting out much…

Illustration: Jake McDonald www.shakeyillustrations.blogspot.com