Richard Hearn appreciates eccentricities

Two bananas and a dinosaur stuffed in an ambulance. No, not a headline about the demise of the NHS, but Youngest™ playing, eccentrically. A few days earlier, the same objects were in the ambulance too. There’s a pattern developing, I just wish I knew what it meant.

I used to think the word eccentric applied to old people. If so, my two kids have really started putting in their apprenticeships early. The Boy used to be like it, and Youngest™, well, Youngest™ is in a different league.

Let’s start from memory with The Boy. His top three eccentricities were: 1) he always had to open the door of the microwave when it pinged. Even if engrossed in some toy or game, or virtually asleep; 2) he seemed to hate crossing thresholds like going in or out of our front door, as if allergic to a lintel; 3) he very much enjoyed wearing stripes, whether hats, T-shirts, trousers or socks. Dressed crazily, I sometimes wondered, if he were to walk near a supermarket‘s till, would they think he was a set of barcodes and charge us £54.71?

Youngest™ shares the stripy theme, and will often meticulously name the colours involved. He does this colour naming thing with other stuff, too. Late for an appointment the other day, he insisted on pressing the pay and display button. “Not blue.” “No, not blue. We’re in a hurry.” “Not red,” he says, wagging his finger. “No, not red, come on, hurry up.” “Green. I press green.”

His other eccentricities are also accompanied by a wag of the finger. On the school run this week he insisted we took up two toy plates, and some plastic cheese and peas – these I was to carry – while he carried Noddy, PC Plod and Big Ears. Then he went loopy up at the school when he realised he wasn’t wearing his stripy hat.

“He hasn’t quite got the idea that mood and species are mutually exclusive”

Youngest™’s eccentricity is not just confined to objects. If we mistakenly call him by another pet name, “How are you, monkey?” or that sort of thing, he will answer: “I not monkey, I baby tiger!” (I think tiger is in line with the stripy preference). He is most insistent. Trouble is, if you ask “are you playing/happy/hungry?” he will also answer “I not playing, I baby tiger.” He hasn’t quite got the idea that mood and species are mutually exclusive.

But there are layers to his understanding of self. While watching Toy Story, he bustled off to find a cowboy hat. “Are you Woody?” asked The Boy. “No!” shouted Youngest™. “Are you a baby tiger pretending to be Woody?”. Youngest™ nodded.

His eccentricity means he is an enigma wrapped inside a puzzle wrapped inside a conundrum. Wearing something stripy.

Illustration: Paul Lewis www.pointlessrhino.com