Malone looks forward to a holiday… ish

My mum has given me a flight to spain. Not literally. (She’s not a Greek god, swiping planes out of the sky and handing them to me as hundreds of people scream as they are shaken around the 747.) No, she’s bought me an EasyJet flight, and we’re going to stay with a friend.

I have packed five bikinis and seven dresses, and the rest of the bag is full of shoes and beauty products (all struggled into small bottles). Hey, Mr Air Authorities, surely a stiletto is a worse weapon than a bottle of lotion?

My five year old has never been on an aeroplane, in fact she never been on holiday in her life. At first I was excited. Then I became worried. Now I am scared. What if! What if she doesn’t like flying?!

“I want to loll on beaches with sea that is actually warm”

Yesterday, she said she didn’t want to go there on a plane. Oh dear. What if her ears pop on take off and she cries and cries? Or more likely – I do? I’m packing lollipops in my handbag, just in case… What if there are noisy stag dos on the plane that frighten her? (We are going to Ibiza…) What if she needs a poo and can’t wait in the queue?

What if she can’t stand the heat? It’s going to be 30 degrees and my daughter moans in December she is too hot and wants to take her jacket off. I on the other hand am freezing and give my permission as I can now use her warm coat as a hand-muff.

(Not really.) I say no and we argue about it all the way home, me trembling with cold and her complaining of being boiling hot as the snow falls… What if she gets incredibly bored of sun and sand while I, on the other hand, am in my element?

I don’t want to be inside watching Kung Fu Panda, I want to loll on beaches with sea that is actually warm. What if, after years of being used to the Brighton pebbles, she gets sand in her eye/nose/belly button and we have to go to hospital? Luckily the Spanish for hospital is ‘hospital’…

What if one of us falls off the balcony? There have been four deaths from falling off balconies in Ibiza just in the last few months! My biggest worry is what if we have a really good time?

What if she has an amazing holiday and wants to go on holiday all the time? I can’t afford it, hence it being five years until I’ve taken her on her first trip.

Hey, what if I like it so much I want to move there? Apparently in Ibiza, they speak only Catalan in the schools, so we’d have to learn both Spanish and Catalan just to get by. My! There’s so much to worry about!
I need a holiday…