Richard Hearnturns into Scientific Dad
I’m looking for funding for this column. I’d like to feed some scientific research into Distracted Dad, give it a few specific, quantifiable facts to stop it being so anecdotal. I realised this in the park. The Boy had just said something funny about a dinosaur and Youngest™ was pointing a dog when…
There I go again. Another ruddy anecdote. Facts and figures. That’s the future. It would have been nice to present some answers this week, but without appropriate measuring equipment and people in lab coats with time to kill, I’m thinking of this column as more about letting you know some of the questions. Some of the areas where funding would be most appreciated, in order to turn ‘Distracted Dad‘ into ‘Scientific Dad’.
“A graph could be plotted showing how that car journey varies over time”
For example, I could have a heart monitor fitted to assess the comparative stresses of getting children ready for the school run in the morning versus a long car journey. A graph could be plotted showing how that car journey varies over time (dipping near Crawley perhaps, but then peaking somewhere near Heathrow).
A Venn diagram could put meals that Youngest™, The Boy, my wife and I like in various circles. Would they cross showing a large area of harmonious shading, or resemble instead a row of port holes, separate and not even close to overlapping?
A pedometer and GPS could show once and for all the route taken using a pushchair on the average shopping trip. It would be instructive the know the exact deviations taken to find lifts and slopes, plus those random up and down the aisle trips that are necessary to either get Youngest™ off to sleep or keep him amused while you decide on a purchase.
Parenting percentages. Dad diagrams. Fatherhood facts. That’s what any benefactor would get for their money. A pie chart could show the proportion of time I spend asleep as a wedge in a circle representing the amount of time I’d like to spend asleep. I don’t want to guess at things like that.
Probability could also be expressed. The likelihood that the moment a meal comes when I’m in a restaurant, one child will want the toilet (high probability). Later in the same meal, when my wife has taken The Boy to the toilet, and the waiter comes and asks which flavour he wants for his free ice cream, the chances that I will get the choice right (low probability).
Just send your cheques in to the Latest Magazine address. I don’t mind if it comes from more than one source; I’m no purist. What I will say is this: until the funding stream arrives I’m afraid it will have to go back to the old anecdotal approach. You have been warned.
