Richard Hearn is driven shopping mad

With three friends about to become parents for the first time, I thought I’d re-cap on Things I’ve Learnt As A Parent. Each one is represented by a line on my face that people assume indicates wisdom. (They’re wrong of course; they just indicate I’ve got lines on my face.)

“Non-parents might think a toy should be a car, a doll, a teddy, but it’s more likely to be a set of keys”

Learn to distract. If kids are annoyed that a programme isn’t on TV, don’t try and reason with them. Instead point out that a cloud in the sky outside looks like a dinosaur! Even if it doesn’t. (P.S Vary this. The cloud/dinosaur combo won’t work indefinitely). To a non-parent it probably looks like you’re in denial. I deny this. It’s just survival.

Never announce plans in advance. If there’s the possibility of a trip to the park in four hours, never announce it earlier or you’ll have a small child holding their shoes. Bad things shouldn‘t be mentioned either. A supermarket trip proposed three days away can cause writhing on the floor right now.

Children are illogical. Deal with it. Non-parents might think a toy should be a car, a doll, a teddy, but it’s more likely to be a set of keys, gravel inside a matchbox or a comb forced into a shoe. These are the things the under-3 will want to cuddle on a long journey. Talking of shoes, slip-ons, the ugliest shoe in the world, are a parent’s lifesaver. Laces are for people with (free) time on their (free) hands. Choose all clothes for practical, rather than aesthetic reasons.

Never give two siblings different treats. You may as well say ‘Kid A, you have Poland, and Kid B, you have a whole set of tanks.’ It doesn’t work. It causes conflict.

Get them both vanilla ice cream/Poland (*delete as applicable).

What else have I learnt as a parent? There’s no such thing as a perfect pushchair. Let’s not get boring about this (too late, you shout) and just say at different times you’ll value mobility, weight, comfort, a cup-holder etc. Wake up at the back. Where was I? I’ve learnt, as a parent, you’ve got to get used to conversations being interrupted. To talk in bursts and not be offended when someone else stops mid-sentence to shout something to their own child. Never start again from the beginning or you’ll never make it past the same point. (I made this same mistake watching Inception.)

I’m running out of space. I’ve learnt also that jigsaws are a pain to tidy away, but Russian dolls are worse. I’ve learnt that young children’s books are repetitive (get over it), that sleep is like gold dust. I’ve realised that there’s an awful lot of plastic in the world, think very carefully before buying a toy that speaks, and I’ve learnt never, ever, turn away an offer of help.