Richard Hearn writes a letter to Noddy

Dear Noddy, as much as I admire your positive approach to life – when we bought your branded slippers in France it turned out you were known by your catchphrase “Oui! Oui!” – I would like to inform you that I feel the need to point out some aspects of your lifestyle with which I disagree. These are itemised below.
Point one: You are a taxi driver, but you appear to live in a place no bigger than a village. (Yes, I know it is known as Toy Town, but the frequency with which you bump into people makes me think it really counts more as a village.) I feel your reliance on vehicles isn’t environmentally friendly. You also appear to have a plane, which you sometimes use to simply fly above the your own town/village.

“The Boy met you at Mothercare where he jumped the queue to disrupt another child’s photo opportunity”

Point two: Please learn from your mistakes. On a number of occasions, those goblins have proved themselves to be untrustworthy. I call as evidence: their advice on where to pick flowers, their gift of the magic powder and their offer to ‘look after’ your picnic all turned out badly. And yet you still believe what they say.

Point three: PC Plod is plainly an idiot, and yet you seem to retain faith in him.

It is important that you become more critical of authority figures or we’re all heading for a totalitarian state.

And while we’re on the subject of those around you – Point three – may I politely point out that Martha Monkey, while not as plain evil as the goblins, still consistently leads you astray. You need to take her ‘fun’ ideas with just a little touch more caution, Noddy, or you’ll get yourself into many more scrapes.

On the plus side, may I congratulate you for not continuing with some new ‘friends’ as described in your Christmas 2000 annual. These included ‘Rusty’ the lovable, guitar-playing tin clown, a half-tank, half-turtle called ‘Sherman’, and a lounge lizard, named ‘Johnny Crawfish’ who is one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen, let alone seen in a child’s book. Well done for realising that these were not worthwhile additions to your circle, and would have actually given children nightmares.

Yours sincerely,
Distracted Dad

P.S Can my kids have your autograph? The Boy was always a big fan,
and now Youngest™ is too. You may remember that The Boy met you at Mothercare where he jumped the queue to disrupt another child’s photo opportunity. And Youngest™ has become such a fan of your DVDs to such an extent, I would almost call it ‘ad nauseum’. So after you’ve taken note of the important points above, keep up the good work.