Wave: it’s not you…

Dating coach Tammy James answers your relationship questions

My friend has recently split up with her boyfriend and now she wants us to go out every weekend like we did when we were both single. The problem is, I’m in a fairly new relationship. What do I do?

When a relationship ends, it’s common to want to pick up the social life you had before and go places where you might meet a new partner. Your friend isn’t wrong in expecting you to do this but she needs to understand that your circumstances have changed. The key to this is balance; you should be there to support your friend but you can’t be her only means of support. Ultimately your friend is responsible for making her social life what she needs it to be, therefore you mustn’t feel guilty about not being able to see her every weekend. In the initial stages of a break up you should be there to offer tea and sympathy and check in with her to make sure she’s OK. In terms of your weekends, you should consider how frequently you can go out with her and still see your new boyfriend. Don’t feel bad about saying no – it’s easy to over commit in an effort to please everyone, but you have to accept that you can’t always do that. Ultimately, this is a great opportunity for your friend to go out and meet new friends that are in a similar situation to her and want to socialise more frequently. Check out brightonsocialising.co.uk and soulmateevents.com who both offer opportunities to socialise.

I am five months pregnant. My boyfriend and I had planned this baby but as soon as I fell pregnant his attitude has changed: he goes out with his friends all the time, he’s been more argumentative and he’s stopped helping around the house. I’m worried he’s not going to do his share when the baby comes.

Having a baby means big changes to your relationship and lifestyle. Everyone comes to terms with change at different rates, so despite both wanting to have the baby, your partner may still be coming to terms with becoming a father and thinking about how a baby is going to impact on you both. I’m not excusing his behaviour – it doesn’t sound like he’s been supporting you through your pregnancy as you’d have hoped. You’ve got to have a discussion with him about how you’re both coping with the pregnancy and the support you’d like from him. I suspect that once the baby arrives, he’ll be there for you both as you expected. If he isn’t, then you need to consider what’s best for you and the baby. But I’d certainly urge you to wait until you’re settled into a routine with the new baby before making any big decisions.

This is my last column for wave, however I can still be contacted at info@itsnotyouitsme.co.uk if you wish to get in touch, and you can read my relationship advice online at www.smartdatinguk.com
Email: info@itsnotyouitsme.co.uk
Web: www.itsnotyouitsme.co.uk
Twitter: @itsnotyouitsme_