Wednesday, October 20

The French Bulldog

- April 3, 2012

Things I don’t Understand About Humans #2

When it comes The Bed it’s all very confusing. By The Bed I mean the big comfy raised rectangle thing – all fluffy pillows and bouncy duvet – where Humum and The Frenchman sleep. Not the small not-so-comfy-round-thing on the floor where I am supposed to sleep – that’s Edie’s Bed. I know this because on a regular basis I am told ‘Get off The Bed. Bad girl. Go to Edie’s Bed.’

You might be thinking that if I’ve been told this numerous times, I should know by now not to attempt to infiltrate The Bed, and to stick to Edie’s Bed. And well I might, if it weren’t for the following:

1. When Humum is away and it’s just The Frenchman and me at home, I’m allowed to sleep on The Bed, although I’m told ‘Don’t tell Mummy you’re on The Bed’.

2. When The Frenchman is away and it’s just Humum and me at home, I’m allowed to sleep on The Bed, although I’m told ‘Don’t tell Daddy you’re on The Bed’.

3. When both Humum and The Frenchman are in The Bed and it’s nearing ‘Change The Sheets Time’ I’m allowed on The Bed. As in ‘Oh come on then, you might as well come on The Bed, it is nearly time to change the sheets.’

4. If I get on The Bed nearing ‘Change The Sheets Time’ when nobody else is on The Bed, I’m still told to get off The Bed, and to go to Edie’s Bed.

5. If I’m on The Bed with Humum and The Frenchman nearing Change The Sheets Time there is still the risk that at any moment I will get shoved off The Bed and told to go to Edie’s Bed. This is when they decide to do The Thing They Can’t Do When The Dog Is There, as in ‘Get her off The Bed, we can’t do it with the dog here’. To be fair, I don’t mind getting off The Bed then, because at such times The Bed becomes far too bumpy and noisy and I’m liable to end up with someone’s foot – or worse – in my face.

6. If I get on The Bed in the days (usually a maximum of five) following Change The Sheets Time, I am subjected to a much severer bollocking then at any other time when I’m not supposed to be on The Bed. The frustrating thing for me being that I am never aware when these particular days are because I am not usually in the bedroom during Change The Sheets Time and so I don’t know when it’s happened. To me The Bed always looks the same, changed sheets or not, so it’s always an extra shock when I’m told ‘Get off the bed. Bad girl, we’ve just changed the sheets.’

7. Even if I’m on The Bed at a time I’m allowed to be, I’m still not allowed Under The Sheets. Under The Sheets is totally forbidden. This is a real shame because, devoid of light and sound, Under The Sheets is by far the comfiest part of The Bed. Illicit duvet diving has therefore become of my favourite sport, guaranteed to set my adrenalin pumping. I can’t stop myself from doing it, even though I know it will entail me being chucked off The Bed even at times when I would otherwise be allowed on The Bed.

8. Sometimes when I get on The Bed at a time when I’m not supposed to be on it, I am told ‘Get off The Bed, how would you like it if we got in Edie’s Bed?’ This doesn’t help me to understand why I shouldn’t be on The Bed, because it wouldn’t make any difference to me if Humum or The Frenchman got in my bed. I would simply find somewhere else to sleep, like The Sofa or The Armchair or The Rug. Actually I would be quite amused if they tried to get in Edie’s Bed because it’s not big enough for even half of one of them. And they wouldn’t like it because I never Change The Sheets.

So humans, please realise, us dogs don’t follow your crazy bed unlogic. For us it’s yes or no. On or off. You either always let us on The Bed or you never let us on The Bed. That way we would finally understand.

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