Richard Hearn & the two birthdays

We are in the one week of the year when The Boy is only four years older than Youngest™: Next week, the gap will be back to its normal five. Three years ago, Youngest™ was born a week into The Boy’s first week at school. No wonder The Boy often has a look of mild shock on his face.

This five-year difference plays a key mathematical part when The Boy thinks of the future. “When Youngest™ is one hundred and five,” he might say, “I will be one hundred and ten”. (He is depressingly accurate at applying the same calculation to me, when the final number is almost biblical.)

Youngest™’s birthday had all the key ingredients. Difficult to put together toy that took one family member – this time, my Dad – a few hours to complete? Check. Birthday cake photo needing to be retaken because camera out of memory? Check. A battle over balloons? Check.

Oh yes, the balloons. They bounce idly around the living room, like actors who’ve done the matinee but are waiting for the evening performance. There is no more colourful weapon than a balloon, no larger source of conflict.

There are ten days between The Boy’s and Youngest™’s birthdays but they are different star signs (I’ve just done some amateur maths, and I make that a one in three likelihood, so it’s not that remarkable). The Boy is Libra and Youngest™ is Scorpio. Now astrology is not really my thing – most readings seem to be endlessly interpretable and designed to flatter – but I’ve looked up the main traits and they seem to fit. The Boy apparently has a future career in indirect selling or diplomacy, which I think could be spot on, especially if I knew what indirect selling actually meant. Youngest™ on the other hand, is told that “your search for perfection can make you dissatisfied”. Hmm. Anyone who’s read previous columns will be nodding.

“The Boy considers Youngest’s birthday a dress rehearsal for his own”

I think The Boy considers Youngest™’s birthday as a dress rehearsal for his own. He instructs Youngest™ on the proper way of opening a present. “Now there. Now rip it there. Turn it over. Now open this card. No, not that one. This one.”

The Boy enjoyed Youngest™’s birthday so much, he wanted something identical. We broke it to him – accidentally – that his actual birthday was a school day, and it turned out he’d done calculations in his head – not quite as accurate as his biblical age trick – that put it on a Sunday. It’s not so bad. He gets a two-dayer, family then friends after school, and I’m writing this on what I call birthday eve. Wish us luck.

Illustration: Paul Lewis www.pointlessrhino.com