Bare cheek: Virtual car boot sale
Ever fancied sampling the exotic delights of a Car Boot Sale, but been unwilling to risk the sub-zero temperatures that such an undertaking requires at this time of year? Well now you can “car boot it” to your heart’s extent without leaving the comfort of your own living room.
If you wish to buy one of the above items please text the appropriate number to BARE CHEEK on 07 777 7777 777. Calls cost £15 per second plus your provider’s usual charge.
To Buy ‘The Amazing Kamikaze Syndrome’ by Slade (some scratches, coffee ring on sleeve back) please text 1233 with your offer.
To buy the anti-semitic horse brass text 3442 with your offer.
To buy Selected Angling Magazines 1984 – 1990 (some pages missing) please text 2212 with your offer.
To buy the Weird Photograph (subject unknown) please text 1113 with your offer.
To buy “Permission To Speak” by Clive Dunn please text 2211 with your offer.
Bus names
Their connection to the local area explained
Patience Strong – no. 61
The queen of trite sentiment in verse was a toilet attendant at Brighton Races, 1932-37
Ladybird Johnson – no. 17
A vicar traced the former First Lady’s ancestry to his tiny Sussex parish of Bramber, near Steyning, and sent her a presentation family tree to honour her return to the Whitehouse in 1965. The research was later shown to be inaccurate.
Buster Merrifield – no. 8
Known to millions as ‘Uncle Albert’ in the hit sit-com ‘Only Fools and Horses’, Merrifield was also a gay icon and his image was used extensively on publicity for gay club nights and events thoughout the late ’80’s and early ’90’s.
Baroness Orczy – no. 17
One of the popular author’s eleven ‘Scarlet Pimpernel’ novels contains an episode where Sir Percy Blakeney (the Pimpernel’s alter ego) rebuffs the Prince Regent.
Gemini – no. 85
Terry Nutkin’s California sea lion made local headlines when it nearly severed a child’s finger during a visit to Stanley Deason school in 1981.
Sir Roy Strong – no. 43
The waspish diaries of the moustachioed dandy and former V&A curator sat unsold in the window of second-hand book store N. F. Brookes from shortly after its publication in 1997 until the shop’s closure in 2002.
Conan The Barbarian – no. 52
Chief Environmental Officer, Hove Borough Council – 1979-1982.
To buy the Y-fronts (unwashed) please text 2111 with your offer.
To buy the Nokia 5110 (not working) please text 2222 with your offer.
To buy the unfunny “Giles “ annual with lots of references to Ted Heath and the three-day-week please text 4321 with your offer.
To have a “go” on the bouncy castle please text 2233.
To buy a cheeseburger with onions and a plastic cup of too-hot coffee you’ll spill on your shoes please text 1212.
HAPPY CAR BOOTING!
In & Out
Special ‘utterly forgotten Sky comedy series’ Edition
In
• The Strangerers
• Time Gentlemen Please
•Baddiel’s Syndrome
• Harry Enfield’s Brand Spanking New Show
• This Is Jinsy
(even though it’s only just finished.)
Out
• Mount Pleasant
• Jumpers For Goalposts
• Parents
• Oops TV
• Ross Kemp
In Afghanistan
