Andrew J Bullock: Made in Chelsea

In the first of our Made In Chelsea columns, Andrew J Bullock brings you the weekly high & lowdowns

Made In Chelsea: Series 7, ep 1: “I’m having an early life crisis – in terms of my walls”

Season 7 starts with the revelation that after Jamie collected Lucy in a horse-drawn carriage at Christmas, the carriage took them directly to Heathrow Terminal 3 where he boarded a plane to Miami and left Lucy on the runway to attempt to steer the horses back down the M4. Spenny and Binky are off-roading. Binky and Alex still haven’t said “I Love U, Baby” yet. STILL? Binky says that the relationship “is going nice”. Hmm… slipper socks are NICE. She then declares that she just doesn’t want drama. Wrong show, girlfriend!

Victoria is carrying bin bags into a shop. It’s not really explained why, but we don’t care because Mark-Francis is in there and he uses the phrase “jolly hockey sticks”.

Proudlock is talking to Stevie and Jamie, whilst brandishing a rugby ball.

This is a token Proudlock accessory to take the focus off his leopard-print glasses, dangling earring and old lady bun. Spenny calls Alex and tells him that The Rumour is now fully circulating Chelsea. Alex looks sick to the core. That’s the look of guilt. Dirty, dirty guilt. Mark Francis is having an “art crisis” so he, Rosie and Proudlock are walking around a gallery. They then sit down, back-to-back, in a triangular formation, and argue about Victoria. It’s like Harold Pinter has thrown up on a Salvador Dalí painting.

Sophie and Victoria are discussing Sophie’s upcoming Bolivian themed birthday party. Victoria has obviously had some media training between Christmas and now, because she wants Sophie to invite Cheska to her party so they can make amends. Sophie calls Cheska and invites her to her party, which Cheska accepts with all the enthusiasm of a vegan at a cock fight.

“Cheska accepts with all the enthusiasm of a vegan at a cock fight”

Jamie and Proudlock are playing beer pong. Andy and Stevie come in and Proudlock says they look the same, despite the fact they are wearing totally different items of clothing in non-matching colours. Jamie calls Andy a “Schweff”. I had to look this up.

Sophie’s party is meant to be Bolivian but everyone’s wearing eye-liner and horns on their heads. Mark-Francis is wearing a ruff! Spenny raises a toast: “Cheers to that…not monogamy…that!” Yeah, alright Spenny. Jamie goes to Lucy’s to try and tell her he loves her. Again. It’s so boring that I am compelled to tell you that she has a brass lion-head door knocker, rather than tell you what she actually says to him.

Alex tells Binky that he loves her. Finally. Why not, eh? Might as well. It takes the focus off The Rumour after all, right? I give this relationship four episodes max.

Next week’s predictions: Fran and Cheska will find out who Alex supposedly slept with and chain her up in their torture chamber for embittered women; Mark-Francis’ art crisis will get even more out of control; Lucy will come out of hiding and do something fabulously Lucy-like; Spenny will flirt with a girl who, by the looks of the previews, has all the personality of a bottle of Cillit Bang.

Andrew’s newest Made In Chelsea blog can be read on his website

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