Andrew Bullock on one extraordinary personality overhaul
Cheryl gets nasty
Ilove Cheryl Fernandez-Versini (or, for the benefit of those of you who just can’t get over it, Cheryl Cole). I was excited to hear she was returning to The X Factor. But is it just me, or has she turned into a bit of a madam now that she’s back?
I enjoy the oddly enticing, sadistic characteristic of shows like this, which see the judges turn into harsh critics with no mercy.
The nation likes to pretend that we all sit down on a Saturday night with a take-away to watch a lovely show about lovely people singing lovely songs. But actually, we don’t give a ruddy fig about the music. That can be proven by looking at the show’s championship board. Year after year, we select winners who it’s clear will never go on to an actual successful career in pop music. With the exception of acts like Little Mix, the winner is always some dull acoustic-singing young man who plays a ukelele and wears
a flat cap, or a jolly nice boy whose first album will inevitably flop, consequently sending him packing to the next series of Tumble, or an overworked mum-of-three who wears leopard-print blouses.
What we DO care about is watching the judges rip the acts to shreds. “That rendition of ‘Careless Whisper’ wasn’t good enough, because you didn’t evoke the memory of your dead long-lost labrador,” says one judge to the buff guy showing his sensitive side. “That cover of ‘One Thing’ by Jamelia sounded even more like someone swinging a bag of cats around than the original version did,” says another to the girl wearing hotpants.
Cheryl, on her triumphant return to the show (which I’m surprised didn’t feature her being lead to the auditions atop an elephant, surrounded by a parade of baton-twirling cheerleaders and chiseled men in loin cloths) appears to have changed her judging persona. She is not the one you can turn to for a hug after Simon Cowell has slagged you off anymore. Cheryl has become a hardened version of her past self. She can now be seen rolling her eyes, looking bored, at loggerheads with the audience, passing snide comments about certain acts and positively scowling at certain auditionees.
Her interchanges with the ultra-annoying Raign has shown Cheryl in a rather unattractive light. She wouldn’t put her through the first audition, despite the rest of the judges seeing potential. Then she spent her arena audition very obviously making a point
of not being bothered. In turn, this made her look like a bit of a prat.
… formerly fired by Cowell for wearing purple Princess Jasmine trousers
What Cheryl Fernandez-Versini-née-Tweedy-formerly-Cole is attempting to do is assert some form of power, having formerly been fired by Cowell for wearing purple Princess Jasmine trousers. Let’s face it, whether you’re male, female, halfway through a sex change, gay, straight, bi or Thai, we all want to look at Cheryl’s face. But here’s a warning to you Chezza – your new image is a little ugly. She is suddenly exuding an air of superiority, a high-and-mighty attitude towards the talent. Be careful honey bunch, all it takes is one turquoise and pink costume change and you could be back on the cutting room floor …
Andrew’s blog can be read at drewjbullock.wordpress.com
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