Andrew Kay: Only one letter separates pest from pet

Incy wincy

Phobias, by definition, are meant to be irrational fears. Fear of things that are pretty harmless I guess, like my dislike of pineapple which has become a fear – I am frightened that it will turn up unannoucned in dishes that I order; a serious worry when ordering Chinese food, where the presence of pineapple has become somewhat ubiquitous.

I started to ponder this whole notion the other day, when I got home and found that my flat was being guarded by a rather impressive spider. It had cast a web across the foot of the steps down to my front door that was quite simply a work of art. There it sat, right in the middle looking ever so beautiful, as the yellow evening sun caught its translucent body and the silvery threads of its net.

I stopped and took a picture, so impressed was I. Then I realised that there was a sad outcome of my discovery. To get into my home I would have to destroy the wonder of nature and displace the spider. Beautiful as it was, I had no option, and I carefully broke the securing threads that held the whole structure in place.

The web drifted to one side and with it the rather disgruntled spider. I say disgruntled merely as an assumption, I mean I would be pretty disgruntled if someone, with one simple sweep of the hand, destroyed my hard work.

It would seem that this year there have been rather more spiders than usual, due I believe to the clement climate.

I’m not scared of spiders. I have always believed that they would help keep down the flies that dare to enter my home. Flies I despise. It’s not just the fact that they settle on food, and far more … it’s the weirdly random way they buzz about, a demented dance not dissimilar to the weird pogo-ing that came with the advent of punk rock. I never understood that rhythmically challenged display, although I do believe that it had a lot to do with substance abuse.

To get into my home I would have to destroy the wonder of nature and displace the spider

Back to my spider, who a few hours later was to be found on a social media site. It was rather a good picture that really did capture the beauty of the beast. But what followed was not so pretty.

A few people liked the picture, but then one friend declared that it was a fiddler spider. How romantic I thought, a fiddler, conjuring up an orchestral player in my mind and not some elderly TV star caught out for interfering with under-age victims. Had it been that, I would have destroyed the web and stamped on the pest. No, I was seeing violins, until I read on and found another message: get it out of the house, as they can bite. Bite? Oh no!

Well, after my brush with the seemingly harmless milk, I am in no mood to deal with being bitten by a bug. I resolved to help it escape with the aid of a jam jar and a piece of paper.

I went outside, but to my amazement the spider had not only returned, it had brought its mates. The place is now festooned with webs, each bearing a big beastie, and I have decide to live with them until the weather changes and drives them away.

It’s a live and let live world at La Cave a Kay.

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