Bare Cheek: Crustie found in Queen’s Park
Naturalists the country over have been astounded by the news that a crustie has apparently been spotted in Queen’s Park, Brighton. Crusties in the wild are generally believed to have been extinct since 1995, though there are two tame specimens in Amsterdam Zoo (these, however, have yet to breed.)
The crustie in question was spotted by local roofer Ed Pangborne, who was playing frisby with his nine year-old daughter Emily by the clock tower last Friday.
“I saw this figure behind a tree,” said Pangborne, “and at first, you know, I didn’t believe it. I thought my eyes must be playing tricks on me. But I told Emily to be quiet and we crept a little closer, and sure enough there he was. It was a male with dreadlocks, a pierced nose and combat trousers. We watched, fascinated, as he strummed a guitar and sipped from a can of Strongbow. Then he got up and did a bit of tai chi, then he sat down again. At that point though, I accidentally stood on a dry twig – the crustie must have heard because he picked up his bong and ran off.
“It was one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed in my life,” concluded Pangborne, “and I’m just glad Emily was there to see it.”
“If it’s true, this is remarkable news,” said naturalist Sir Ronald Crisp. “The modern British Crustie (Anarchus trustfundae) disappeared in 1995 after the release of the last ‘Back To The Planet’ album.
That’s when young people who had been to private schools stopped pretending to be part of the counter culture and decided they may as well be open about being posh. But this sighting may be the start of a new population explosion if we’re not lucky.”
The Queen’s Park crustie, who Mr. Pangborne has dubbed “Fraggle”, has not been spotted since.
“I live in hope, though,” said Pangborne. “I’m going down tomorrow with some rolling tobacco to see if I can tempt him out of hiding.”
EDWARD DE BONEHEAD’S
LATERAL THINKING PUZZLES
NO. 98: THE BENCH
A man with bunions walking a long and dusty road takes a rest on a bench. Fastened to the bench is a brass plaque that reads “TO THE MEMORY OF FRED AND GLADYS WATTIS, WHO LOVED THIS PLACE.” Taking out a penknife, the man unscrews the plaque and replaces it with an identical one. He then continues on his way. Why?
SOLUTION TO LAST WEEK’S PROBLEM:
The monkey nuts were poisoned.
In & Out
In
• Roland Orzabal
• Maintaining a dignified silence
• The Admirable Crichton
• Pronouncing “Nestlé’s” nessuls
• Funny peculiar
Out
• Funny ha-ha
• Pronouncing “Knorr” k-nore
• Shameless self-promotion
• Rubbing the dog’s nose in it
• Wash & Go
