Andrew Bullock: Made in chelsea: episode 4
Andrew Bullock on the many highs and lows of Chelsea’s social elite
BOMBSHELL! Victoria has fallen out with Sophie. What the frig? She calls her a witch. A seasonal witch! And a brown snake!
Not a Neotropical tree boa. Not a Shovel-nosed water snake. Not even a Stiletto snake! No! A regular, common, brown snake.
Oh no. Alik says “Edinburgh” like this: “Edinboro”. Elsewhere, Wheeze is still stressed about the rumour that he stuck his tongue down the oesophagus of another. So Binky advises her to “shove it right in the bud”. AND to sort it out quickly.
The boys all go out on a weird night of drinking that sees half of them not really talking to the other half. Cue lots of Shakespearean asides and intentional looks of disgruntlement. Jamie argues with Proudlock and insists that he admit he has been dishonest before running off like a 9-year-old girl who’s just been told she can’t have a roller-disco birthday party.
Will takes Binky to the aquarium, where he sets up a small table with champagne on it in front of the jellyfish. Then he takes one of those fortune telling fish and places it on her hand. He asks if she had a good time, and the fish curls up in repulsion to signify that she didn’t. Binky laughs it off, but it’s the cold hard truth.
Alik is writing a song at Wheeze’s house and sees Andy walking past the window. He invites him in. Why are these two being all nicey nice now? That’s dull. Andy explains to Alik that the nights out they go on aren’t usually drama-fuelled. Um, yeah they are.
Jamie and Sam lie together. Literally, not sexually.
Proudlock goes out for drinks with Stevie. He sort of cries a bit. Weak, structured reality, robotic tears.
Anna-Louise is over from NYC “getting on it” with Binky and Jane. The world skips for joy on its axis. Binky admits she ain’t feeling the Will thing. I agree. On paper, he’s perfect. But he doesn’t really have a personality, has stars tattooed behind his ear and brings floppy fish with him on a date. They then bump into Will and Lonan, outside a church. This is God’s way of
trying to coax love between Will and Binky. Not gonna happen, God!
Alik sings Wheeze a song. Andy sits there and listens too, which is hideous. He pretends to play the drums to make matters even worse and just looks like he’s having a seizure. The song consists of the line: “We could grow old doing dishes.” If I were Wheeze I’d point out that I have a dishwasher (because lets face it, the girl don’t do dishes). Andy leaves and Wheeze goes about shoving it right in the bud. For some inexplicable reason, Alik still has the text that the girl from the other night sent him. So Wheeze ruddy well rings her! Or at least pretends to for the sake of entertaining us saps at home.
At Will’s party, Binky dumps him. Happy birthday to you.
Next week’s predictions: Alex writes Binky a letter proving that he can actually use a pen, dictionary and thesaurus. Sophie will invite Victoria into her coven and they’ll evoke the spirit of the late Oscar de la Renta. Proudlock and Lucy will continue to dance around the mulberry bush.
Andrew’s blog can be read at drewjbullock.wordpress.com
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