Guy Lloyd: Inside Britain’s Got Talent

Guy Lloyd took the plunge and faced the dreaded buzzers …

I’ve been silenced for too long but now, finally, I can speak out. I was on Britain’s Got Talent this week. It all started before Christmas, when a friend of mine called me saying she was helping out the show’s producers. She rang to see if I knew any talented people in Brighton. “No,” came my reply, “but I know a 45-year-old man in a gold catsuit who could belt out a Queen song.” “Perfect,” she said, audibly disappointed. And so it began.
That Saturday, in full make-up and shiny gold skin, I strutted my stuff to ‘Fat Bottomed Girls’ with a full light show and smoke machine, at Concorde 2, in front of a researcher and a cameraman. I signed a bit of paper and they said they’d be in touch.
Within days, they said they’d liked what they’d seen and they’d like to see more. This time they wanted me to film five different song choices and send it back to them with my top five song preferences to ‘sing’ on the show. Off it went back to BGT HQ, and again they responded fairly quickly saying they liked what they saw and they were ‘seriously considering’ me for the show.

Weeks later, I was confirmed to perform in front of the judges and a live audience at the Dominion Theatre, London. I got my make-up done in Brighton, slipped on a tracksuit over my catsuit and headed to the big smoke with my family and friends. It was a very surreal day. We arrived on the red carpet (rolled up), shortly before Ant n’ Dec and the judges rocked up (red carpet rolled down) and that was probably my most nervous moment.
What followed was nine hours of interviews, set-up filming (chatting to other contestants, registering ten times, etc) and a lot of hanging around. I was on third from the end. I was tired, the crowd was tired and I think the judges were tired (hard to tell from all the botox).

The most bizarre moment of the day was when I was being interviewed by Ant n’ Dec just before stepping out on to a stage in front of Cowell and the gang. There were people having minor strokes backstage and yet I’ve never felt so calm stepping out on to a stage. The moment was so surreal, I felt like I was in some strange cartoon. I didn’t really register the magnitude of it all. I stepped out into the spotlight and an excited ripple went through the audience but the look of utter disdain from the judges faces was obvious. They wanted to go home.

“Cape in full effect like a bird spreading its wings”

I had a brief chat with a disinterested David Walliams, gave the thumbs up to Ant n’ Dec and got into position. I was about five yards from the mic stand, when the opening chords of ‘I Want To Break Free’ rang out around the theatre. I rose up from my crouching position, cape in full effect like a bird spreading its wings, strode up to the mic, did a few strokes of air guitar (UK Champion) and sang my first line. Within seconds, all four buzzers went and that was that.
I went off stage, relived we could get the last train to Brighton, to be greeted by Ant n’ Dec who said ‘it was some kind of record’ – the sheer speed at which I’d been voted off. My first thought was for the family and friends who had spent nine hours waiting for me to come on, only to watch my minute on stage. I needn’t have worried. As soon as I went into the corridor, I saw them all falling about on the floor laughing.

There were only two outcomes for me doing this show: sing the song and wow the audience into a standing ovation, or fail spectacularly. I didn’t want to be mediocre. I had to settle for the latter.
On the train home, chatting to my family and friends, there was a sense of being robbed of a performance no one will ever see but also some relief that we would no longer be involved. It’s fun, but it’s manipulating. I went as a character (Vince Venus) but of course, all they wanted to know about was Guy Lloyd, and I wasn’t willing to expose that side so much. I found the constant interrogating exhausting. They work hard at breaking you down.
Overall, it was a great experience and fascinating seeing the workings of the biggest show on telly. But what I soon realised was that even if you go in as a bit of a joke, you are totally in the hands of a well-oiled machine, and as the hours went by it was my soul that was slowly ebbing away and not my vocal chords. They were never there in the first place. But I’d achieved my goal, to get in front of the judges and sing (for five seconds). It could have gone better (I was confident I could wow the crowd, probably not the judges) but it could have gone worse (getting through to the next round).

If you have any desire to go on any of these reality shows, have a plan, be thick-skinned and don’t take it seriously. It’s just a telly show. But be warned, it can be a telly show at your expense. Luckily, I am all those things and I feel like I can look back on it now with fondness, but I saw so many people backstage with broken dreams and broken hearts. My advice – if you have a real talent (not a pretend one, as I had), do it the traditional way. Work hard, focus, and ride the bumps. Don’t let someone else take control.
However, if you want to meet Ant n’ Dec, go for it. They are lovely chaps.

Follow me: @guy_lloyd