The Landlady: Rent Book Tales

Four’s a crowd

A few weeks ago, I was saying what a tart I am when it comes to renting my spare rooms. With technology the way it is, advertising one’s spare room is literally as easy a pressing a button. I only wish there was a button one could press to get rid of the lodgers once you’ve discovered that you don’t actually like them very much.

Due to circumstances that were perfectly within my control – therefore it’s my own stupid, greedy fault – I am currently suffering four lodgers. Four is definitely too much, I have discovered, now it is too late.

Although this flagrantly wild renting means that I can now afford a new dishwasher and a new laptop, it also means that I have completely sacrificed my privacy. As The Small Daughter quite succinctly put it (cue deeply grumpy teenage face) “they’re every-#####ing-where in the house”.

We are now joined by Other People

This is true, they are indeed everywhere and no longer can The Small Daughter and I share those cosy, cherished evenings in the living room together, me watching ‘Coronation Street’ and she studiously ignoring me while indulging in a multi-person Snapchat conversation. We are now joined by Other People, which is not quite the same. Actually, if I’m being truthful, there is only one lodger that I find trying, mainly because she insists on calling me ‘honey’ or ‘sweetness’ all the damn time, in spite of the fact that she barely knows me. I almost wish that we were back in the fifties, where she would have undoubtedly had to swallow her syrupy, patronising nicknames and address me as Miss Christie.

I have just ordered a small TV for my bedroom, so that I can watch in peace and The Small Daughter can join me if she wishes. However, the Cuban Boyfriend informs me that he’s thinking of moving to Brighton… Maybe I’ll only let him into the bedroom if he addresses me as Miss Christie…