Landlady: Dust B and B

It is funny that, four years after I stopped letting our rooms to students of all types, people still ask me how many students I have living with me now. Even the people who see me quite often. Maybe they ask the question without any interest in my response and therefore switch off when I yet again inform them that I only have ‘regular’ lodgers these days. Every time I go and see my ancient aunt and uncle in The New Forest, my uncle too asks the same question, which is namely; “How many properties have you got now?”. Usually swiftly followed by; “How many students have you got now?”. The answer to both questions, put with startling regularity, at least twice a year has elicited exactly the same response for the past four years, during which time my life has been somewhat stagnant.

In his defence, my uncle is so deaf that he hasn’t been able to use the telephone for years, yet shouts so loudly in the background whenever I’m speaking to my aunt that you could almost hear him from the New Forest without the intervention of a telephone. The fact that he never hears the responses to his questions probably qualifies him to ask the me the same thing several times a year. His brother (my father) who also suffered from deafness, asked how many flats I had on a daily basis, as if the completion process took a mere 24 hours. One Christmas, when I famously offered him another whisky, he glared at me indignantly saying, “No I don’t want a bloody biscuit. I’ll have another whisky though”.

Asked how many flats I had on a daily basis, as if the completion process took a mere 24 hours

It is not worth bothering to tell my uncle about my current inundation of Airbnb guests, as he – a devout non-internet user – would not really understand how it all works, let alone why anyone in their right mind would want to stay in my creaky old Victorian house when there are double-glazed Premier Inns in which to stay.

Over the past four weeks, I’ve had at least four different groups of people staying in my bedroom, while I’ve moved into the spare room. So far this year, all my reviews have been favourable, apart from a couple of people who have mentioned that the room is a little dusty, in spite of the fact that in accordance to my – admittedly fairly low – standards, the room is spotless. Maybe I should start wearing my glasses when I’m dusting.