Malone lets her hair down

My newly six-year-old girl is visiting family with her dad, which is nice as she misses them because her dad lives abroad. I decided as the sproglett was away I’d do all the things I would like to do but can’t due to being a mum. The list went something like this: 1) Stay in London, party in posh bars where you can wear a proper nice dress that one might wear at a wedding (I need to help my dresses escape from the wardrobe, no one is getting married anymore, all my friends are now married or just can’t afford it). 2) Go and loll in a field and stare at the sky, possibly whilst camping. 3) Go music shopping. 4) Buy some much bigger knickers. 5) Go to the cinema, I think last time I went to the cinema was to see King Kong when I was pregnant (not the 1933 version). 6) Do a pub quiz. 7) Sit outside Hove Kitchen on a sunny evening (instead of walking by from Tesco carrying shopping, child and scooter thinking, “that looks fun”)
8)Lie in bed, sleep more than seven hours. 9) Leave the washing up and not tidy up after myself (basically be a bit teenage).

“Having fun is more exhausting than motherhood”

I have achieved nearly everything on the list and can truly say I cannot wait for the six-year-old to return home. I am knackered and the flat is a tip. Having fun is more exhausting than motherhood. I can’t wait to stay in every night. Camping was a fiasco. We don’t drive so we lugged the gear only as far as Lewes, playing it safe in case we wanted to go home. I borrowed my friend’s tent, who is in a band; allegedly a two-man tent. It was not a two-man tent, but a two-indie kid tent! It was like a sleeping bag that had a roof. It was so small my boyfriend could not extend his feet nor could we have our belongings inside the tent. In the morning two dinosaur-sized slugs had started living in my boyfriend’s shoes. I thought constant rain would be romantic but it was noisy. Every time my boyfriend moved, the whole blow up mattress bounced me to the ground and up again like an Olympic trampoline gold medalist. We laughed a lot, we even managed to put the tent up without arguing. In London we stumbled upon a free liquor cocktail promo night and spent no money on drinks but I didn’t get to wear a dress. But I discovered avocados are much cheaper in London – 59p! I bought some big knickers and I went to my first pub quiz, where I correctly guessed that the Greek word for a gas that comes from the Sun is ‘helium’. Very proud of my guessing abilities. If I have the energy tonight I will go to the cinema, but I might just stay in and babysit – myself.

Illustration: Jake McDonald www.shakeyillustrations.blogspot.com