Malone has faulty appliances – or a poltergeist

Everything in our flat is going wrong. I’m beginning to wonder if we have a poltergeist or have been cursed by one of those women who offer sprigs of heather as you walk past them in the high street. Gangster flower dealers. You know those women (the ones who look like Elvis’s nan) threatening to put a curse on you if you don’t buy their heather sprigs. I want to know where they find all this wild heather. Are they getting the train up to Glamorgan especially to harvest heather to heavy southerners into handing over pound coins? Is the heather bullying business that lucrative? I doubt it. We always scurry hurriedly past with my daughter asking: “Is that a witch, Mummy?”. I laugh, but now I’m wondering if they did curse me, or perhaps I shouldn’t walk on the cracks in the pavement. And when was the last time I broke a mirror?

To begin with, one blind was already broken when we moved in, then another broke, then the replacement blinds (fake wood, plastic Venetian blinds) both broke in exactly the same place – a weak spot in the plastic and not our blind-opening technique. Then the TV stopped turning on. I guess it was some sort of retaliation strike action as they watched their fellow blind colleagues be thrown out and replaced with no remorse. Samsung offered to repair the TV for free as it’s an inbuilt fault with that model. We had no TV for weeks. I had to learn to knit. (Not really. I just read more rubbish on the internet.)
Then the gas oven refused to light. We have had no oven for nearly three weeks! Then the brand new dishwasher just stopped working! The engineer tells me it’s the main motherboard and he’ll repair it when the part arrives, next week.

“Is this some sort
of appliance karma? Have I not treated them with enough care in the past?”

The kitchen tap constantly drips or spurts water violently when you turn it on. My beloved rice steamer just gave up and stopped working yesterday (the light refuses to come on; it did this whilst I was cooking). And, if that wasn’t enough, the blender also decided to die yesterday. Don’t worry, the washing machine is fine! I’ve had to take it to appliance grief counselling to help it deal with the carnage of losing so many friends. Hopefully he won’t buckle to peer pressure. What’s going on? Is this some sort of appliance karma? Have I not treated them with enough care in the past? Am I paying for often leaving them on standby? Are they annoyed I only use the slow cooker bi-annually? Is this some sort of appliance uprising? I guess they don’t have a union; perhaps they are hurt I didn’t value them enough to take out all those extra warranties? Well, I regret it now! Luckily I can boil rice on the hob, as that still works …

Illustration: Jake McDonald www.shakeyillustrations.blogspot.com