Malone is running out of time to find answers

I’ve become dotty. I don’t mean polka dot bikini wearing. I mean sweetly deranged. Why is this happening… I turned 40, not 90. I don’t understand it. Well, I wouldn’t, I’m dotty now. I will probably never understand anything much again, even games of Snap will confuse me now. So, the other day I asked my boyfriend something I’d forgotten: “What’s the name of the boy in Charlie And The Chocolate Factory?”

Now, a few of you might be wondering: “Yes, what is the name of the boy in Charlie And The Chocolate Factory? The rest of you will be thinking: “Idiot”. Quite rightly.

“All the child is learning is that no clock can be relied on”

I’m clearly becoming an idiot. The full diagnosis happened when I was in a shop and spied a nice clock (I’ve been looking for a silent clock for ages, as the tick tock noise bugs our household). It’s important to have clocks so the child can learn the time, so I spend much time putting batteries back in the clock that have been removed and resetting it (usually to the slightly wrong time as I’m always rushing, so all the child is learning is that no clock can be relied on). So it would be amazing to find a silent clock. Finally, there it is! I find this retro clock, it’s gorgeous and silent! And only £7! Again, I put it to my ear but realise I’ve picked up a pack of drinks coasters. Quickly I put them down as I don’t want to be seen as an idiot (I don’t know I’m an idiot yet, so far I’ve just asked one stupid question). I take the clock to the counter, excitedly explaining how happy I am that I’ve found a silent clock. The 20-year-old sales girl somehow musters up a totally non-patronising reply: “Although it hasn’t got any batteries in yet, has it?” As she said this I think I was actually holding the new clock wrapped in its cellophane to my ear. Any hopes for not looking like an idiot vanished.

What has happened? When I was 14 I was smart! Mums are suppose to lose a few brain cells, but have I lost all mine? I’m surprised I’m not looking for them in a drawer. I’m not pregnant, I have no excuses, but hey I’ve had flu… I just stupidly typed into Google “worried I’m becoming stupid” – there are many cries for help on Yahoo with similar people panicking over brain cells. According to Google, the most under qualified doctor ever, I should turn off the TV, stop eating junk food, and stop taking drugs. But I don’t do any of them! Well, I admit it… I watch Brian Cox and MasterChef sometimes, that can’t be making me stupid, can it? Hungry and confused about nano particles but not stupid surely. I asked my boyfriend if perhaps I was suffering from early dementia. He replied: No, you’re just a k**b”. Phew!