Malone writes a break-up letter
Dear Winter, it’s not you, it’s me. It’s been a beautiful time we’ve spent together these past few months but I just don’t feel the same anymore. At the start it was exciting, you woo’d me with your blustery afternoons spent by the fire, looking demure in a polo neck and clutching hot chocolates wading through an icy seafront in fake Westwood Wellies is a memory I cherish. As time went on I even learned to like snow (from the window, inside looking out) but enough is enough! You’ve chapped my hands to the point they’ve aged three years in one winter. My skin is so cold and pale I’m no longer white, I’m blue. Just when I think it’s finally over, you turn up again colder/meaner than before. Snow in April? This is exactly why it’s over.
“You’re just too dominant. It’s all about you”
For me, I just can’t commit long term. Sure, once a year it’s nice to see you, but seven months is pushing us too far. You’re just too dominant. It’s all about you. There’s never any compromise, you’re not an only child!
Remember Spring? Summer? Personally I’d be happy if I didn’t see you at all but apparently we need you annually for nature or summat. A seven-month stay really is too much. I put pounds on in winter, if you stay one more week I won’t fit my winter coat bought in November.
Don’t just think of me, think of the tortoises hibernating. When can they come out? Think of the crops you’re ruining? Think of the children, damn it! My child has watched nearly every single Disney film/Simpsons episode ever made this winter, she needs to play outside without getting chilblains!
If you don’t care about my skin, tortoises, or the children’s eyes then please think about economic growth! We need tourism, we need crops to grow, the last thing we need is a wheat famine! Sure, the coeliacs would be laughing all the way to the health food store, but the rest of us can’t eat rye bread just because you won’t let go.
Every day you stay longer, my child is not learning how to ride a bike. Her eyes are becoming more square each day, and for drawings she no longer uses colouring pencils, now only requiring an HB pencil to draw skylines. “Skies are always grey, Mummy”. (She didn’t really say that, I’m resorting to emotional blackmail.)
It’s over. It’s time to go. Go to Australia, they want you, they need you, you’ll feel wanted there. No-one wants you here. Sorry. But it’s the hard, very cold truth. No, it’s not you, it’s me, I’m just not a winter person. If I was raised in Scandinavia or Canada perhaps I would be, we would be suited, perhaps it could work out. But Winter, its time for you to leave, it’s April and for once I welcome April showers, because after the rain comes sun… Agreed?
