Malone has a birthday to remember Malone has a birthday to remember

Birthdays sometimes disappoint. Mine is at the end of December, it’s hard to get anyone out after Christmas (and before new year), everyone is always at their parents in the Cotswolds/Cardiff/Slovenia.

This birthday all I wanted to do was go for a sauna – easily done if you turn up and pay money, I thought. After all, the hardest bit was done: childcare was taken care of. All I had to do was get my cossie out, right?

“He seemed disturbed, like I had set him up for swinging or something!”

I raced to the hotel spa. Boyfriend was a bit nervous as he’d never been to a sauna before. I explained it was just a case of getting hot, getting out, showering, drinking water then getting back in the sauna and repeating this process until one felt invigorated or faint.

The Spanish hotel gym dude gave us our towels and off we went to get changed. I, as a girl, obviously took four minutes longer than my boyfriend to take my clothes off and put them in a locker, as I had to go for my 14th pee of the hour. When I came out my boyfriend’s waiting face was like thunder. I apologised for taking so long.

“Are they supposed to be naked?!” he cried, reminding me of David Mitchell.

“Er, no…” I replied, finding out that he had peered through the sauna window only to find four naked men. No faces, just genitalia greeted him. It seems he has absolutely no dormant homosexuality whatsoever. He seemed disturbed, like I had set him up for some swinging or something! I honestly just wanted a health conscious sauna!

“No, there is not supposed to be any viewable genitalia!” I said, waddling to the reception area in my red costume, suddenly aware my Primark number was wearing a bit thin. I did my walk of shame through the weights area, to the reception desk and said: “My boyfriend can see penises in the sauna!” This was not worded elegantly but by this time I was pretending I was in an episode of a 1970’s British sitcom. The Spanish gym instructor replied: “Are you shhhhure?” When I repeated this question to my boyfriend, I learnt the meaning of indignant.

The gym guy swaggered past the sign reading ‘Please wear trunks in sauna’. He then told the Swedish guys to cover up and ushered us to go in. It can be uncomfortable enough sitting in a small sauna with others, never mind squidged in between men you’ve just got told off. So we decided to leave the spa and have a traditional birthday drink. Cocktails came to mind… Every waitress and barman heard the ‘It’s my girlfriend’s birthday but I saw all the male genitalia’ story. I may not have seen anything, but I was not disappointed. This birthday I laughed my pants off.