Malone wonders what to wear in this weather

I’m looking through smudged glasses. I’m in a coffee shop listening to about 27 European students chatter in a loud sing-song of patter. I have no idea what they are talking about but they are very excited about it. Perhaps they can’t believe the price of a mocha compared to Rome. With some of my senses blurred and drowned out I find myself stroking my own arm! I have goosebumps but I’m not excited. I realise I’m freezing and I am wearing a dress…it was appropriate an hour ago, I promise. The sun was out and I genuinely felt hot enough to take my hoodie off. Yes that hot. Not hot enough to remove my raincoat out of my handbag permanently but still, warm enough for summer. Now I look like a crazy person, it’s raining hard and I’m dressed for the Bahamas.

“With barely time to put suncream on we might even get a tan”

Okay weather gods, I’ve been patient. I’ve been optimistic. I’ve told everyone it’s okay, after all it rains every Wimbledon and Glastonbury, right? June is always wet, but this…a soaking July? I’ve been raving about a hot September and October. But I’m losing faith. This is ridiculous, we are having four seasons a day, never mind a year. I’ve bought a massive oversized handbag to fit in ‘four seasons a day’ clothing. My bag now holds a rain-mac, a vest top and a hoodie at all times. Some days I throw in flip flops and bikini top just in case there’s an incredibly sunny hour. Because it doesn’t just get a bit warm does it? It’s suddenly scorchio then back to the windy freeze.

And I’ve got to pack for the child too, water in case the sunny hour dehydrates her and hooded coats in case of downpours. This summer I’m a pack horse! The summer holidays will be interesting. Instead of rainy video days, there will be rainy hours…no time for a whole film, zooming out to enjoy 45 mins in the sun before it gets cold and wet again, with barely time to put suncream on we might even get a tan.

What will the Olympics be like in this weather? Will there be a lot of running in the rain? We’ve managed to get Olympics tickets…for the walking. Seriously. Walking. Not us walking from queue to queue but professional ‘Olympic’ walking. This has made me laugh so much. At what point in an athlete’s career, does someone say, ‘Hey you’re alright at running but have you tried walking? You’re amazing at walking fast. Maybe you should walk for your country…’ Will they be jiggling along in Lycra shorts, buttocks mechanically pushing forward as fast as possible, but trying desperately not to run? I wish they would do it in normal clothes. Maybe in suits on the city mile, and if they come first they win a gold medal, an umbrella and a city break to somewhere where it doesn’t rain.

Illustration: Jake McDonald www.shakeyillustrations.blogspot.com