The Landlady falls out with her lodger

I am not enamoured by my Italian lodger. In fact, to put it bluntly, I dislike her. Since she arrived, she has done nothing but complain about the situation at Landlady Towers. The milk is too cold, the water too hot, the weather too cold and now, in a spell of scorchingness, too hot. There are no serviettes at dinner time. Of course there are no serviettes at dinner time. This is not The Savoy Hotel. When she asked me where I kept the serviettes, I replied that I keep them in the supermarket for special occasions. She then asked how we cleaned our hands after dinner and I indicated the sink and the antibacterial handwash.

It has slowly dawned on me that she is a control freak, which was confirmed for me when I discovered my favourite china mug – a birthday gift from my friend C – hidden with an immaculate teaspoon next to the Italian Lady’s instant coffee in one of my cupboards. She is more than welcome to use this mug and has no need to hide it, but it is deeply irritating that she has done so.

If I was a different type of person, I would have taken back my mug and hidden it somewhere else, or perhaps cleaned it with the toilet-brush.

Although I cook a very nice meal for her every night, she fails to eat it until approximately two hours later, claiming it’s ‘way too early’ to eat. Even if she’s been out dining in London and doesn’t return until 11.30pm, she insists I leave a shrivelled-up dinner for her, because, she’s already paid for it.

I really don’t understand people who go to another country in order to learn the customs and culture, then behave exactly as they would back home. I don’t, for example demand ham, egg and chips at 6pm precisely when I go abroad.

“I told her I’d bought her some muffins. She replied that she didn’t like blueberries”

We had a row last week, during which she told me that I have too many rules (I have only one, which is ‘don’t wake me up’) and not enough serviettes. I, who, with over 200 guests under my belt have never lost my temper, lost my temper. She backed down a little and grunted that she’d even bought her own muffins since she’d been here. I told her I’d bought her some muffins. She replied that she didn’t like blueberries.
Thank God she’s leaving this weekend…

Illustration: Jake McDonald www.shakeyillustrations.blogspot.com