Malone is very grateful, honestly…

So I finally managed to write Daughter’s thank you cards. Two months late, not bad Malone, getting better. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; the weeks slip by, suddenly it’s nearly Christmas and angry aunties all over the UK are scrubbing us off the Next voucher list.

I can’t wait til she’s old enough to do this herself and I can blame Daughter for the tardiness: “I know, I’m sorry Uncle Freddy, she’s just a terrible teenager.” Instead what happens is I come up with grand plans of making video cards, or taking photos of her using said birthday present (a keyboard, or a new dress) but then the equation of taking photo + putting photo onto computer + getting annoyed at printer + finding an envelope + emailing mother for yearly “what’re our relatives’ addresses again?” conversation + procuring a stamp (where are those 17 stamp books I bought when they were cheap?) + remembering to take letters out of handbag when walking past a postbox and not carrying them for a week until they are dog-eared and covered in biscuit and lip balm = two month late thank you cards. It’s not a pleasing sum.

In future, I’ll use the more traditional approach: buy card, get child to scribble “fank you unkle Feddi” and go to the post office, buy stamp and post at the very same time. Much more efficient, and this sum can result in a two week turnaround, thus resulting in a secured Next voucher for next year. And best of all, the thank you card vulture doesn’t sit on your shoulder for months reminding you every time you check your email: “Argkk Argkk! Stop looking at Groupon and make thank you cards, you distracted mess of a woman!”

“Mother denies me food, making me hoover in exchange for gruel”

I can imagine my naughty 13-year-old writing thank you letters… “Dear Aunty Dawn, thanks for the Marks & Spencer vouchers, have bought food with them as Mother denies me food, making me hoover in exchange for gruel.” Hmm, maybe I should always be in charge of thank you cards.

I am seriously considering starting my Christmas ones now; imagine my relatives’ shock… would it be cheating if I sent thank yous ready-made in their Christmas cards? “Thank you for the Next vouchers!” Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful, I just have a long to-do list every day and the thank you cards are at the bottom. Someone has just reminded me about online card sending stores. Why had I forgotten about them? I remember one having the most evil, annoying theme tune, it’s like I just wiped it from my mind like a bad experience. Great, so now I’ve just accidentally written an advert for online card stores; I’m possibly stupid as well as disorganised and ungrateful! Dear relatives, instead of vouchers this Christmas, please send booklets of stamps, envelopes and many more hours in the day.

Illustration: Jake McDonald www.shakeyillustrations.blogspot.com