Malone avoids growing up and her tax return

It’s 9:28am and I’m lying on the sofa at home under a blanket. I’m not ill. I’ve got tax returns to do and this is definitely the way to start them. Sure, I’ll start them any minute… My mum gave me a blanket for Christmas. “Why did she give me a blankie?” I asked my boyfriend snuggled under it one night with only my head peeking out. “I have no idea…” He smirked seeing I hadn’t removed myself from the blanket since Christmas Day. I didn’t know I needed a blanket ‘til I had one. Is this part of being a mum? Having some sort of thermal sixth sense? I suppose one spends the first few years of a child’s life ensuring their child has the correct cold protection, maybe that never wears off. Even in London, 46 miles away, my mum can feel that her 40-year-old child’s core temperature is way below desired levels. Either that or blankies were on sale.

“If only I had a worst thing than tax returns to do on my list…”

How am I ever going to escape from under the blanket? It may as well be a block of steel covering me. It’s got me pinned in, and getting up to look for an envelope I half-heartily collected receipts in for a year is not enticing me out.

Suddenly cleaning the fridge seems a more interesting alternative. I wonder how each time I have something I don’t want to do, I start to do all the other things I don’t want to do in order to avoid it. This is tax avoidance! If only I had a worst thing than tax returns to do on my list then the tax returns would seem appealing. What could be worse than tax returns? Even cleaning the oven would be more satisfying. At least it would look gleaming after. After doing my tax returns I will just need a lie down and a blanket… When did I start needing a blanket to lie on the sofa with?! Oh yes, when my mother gave me one…. This is official old-land I’ve entered here. Is this the equivalent of me buying my daughter a teddy bear when she turns 18?

Is my mother sub-consciously trying to keep me her baby now I’ve turned 40? Or is it like me buying my daughter a long pencil skirt when she turns 16?

Is it a subtle reminder that I am older now and I should act my age? On the sofa with a blanket? That’s what 60 year olds do, isn’t it? Hang on a minute, maybe my mum wanted the blanket! I bought her a book on how to learn guitar… (It’s what she wanted).

Right, that’s it! I’m getting up; I’d rather do my tax returns than lie here like I’m dead. I’ve still got my marbles I’ve only turned 40! I can do this! I can! If my mum can learn the guitar then I can find those receipts…