The Landlady: Red carpet treatment

Working on the pier has added a further dimension to my life and introduced me to a whole, new group of mad people with whom to go out and party. This is not good, as I am meant to be saving money towards a mammoth 50th birthday party next year, and all the money I earn on the pier finds its way, more or less immediately, into the tills of assorted Brighton hostelries.

Last week, with no early start at the supermarket, or the pier, I went out with my fellow ‘piers’, and spent enough money to ensure that I vaulted over the handlebars of my bike amid a crowd of irritating Spanish foreign students on East Street. Miraculously, both I and my bike seemed remarkably unscathed (I can’t speak for the foreign students, but that’ll teach them to walk on the pavement) and I teetered off – Patsy style – into the wee hours. Although I felt no pain, three days later my arse could’ve given Chi Chi (the giant panda) a run for her money.

Although I am going to the same bar tonight, I do not intend to repeat the same mistake I made last week. My bike will remain firmly chained up at the pier, leaving far less to happenstance.

As you can see, I’m a classy lady when I go out, so it’s rather worrying that tomorrow night I am going to the red carpet premiere of the new ‘Inbetweeners’ movie in Leicester Square, London. A good friend of mine (also prone to thrills, then spills) is an integral part of the making of said film and has (rather ill-advisedly, if you ask me) chosen me to accompany her on this glamour-filled outing. Although I’m practically rigid with excitement, I suspect that her choice of ‘plus one’ is heavily anticipatory of the fact that I will fall over/vomit/make a bigger tit of myself than she will, thus eclipsing her in the embarrassment stakes. After all, she has to go back to work on Monday morning, whereas I can fade back into obscurity at the supermarket and on the pier.

“As you can see, I’m a classy lady when I go out…”

We have already decided what we shall be wearing – she a sack, and I a fitted sack with Spanx underneath for added ballast. Worse still, my choice of shoes (Betsey Johnson pink sparkles with six inch heels) will make it almost certain that there will be a bit of a fracas on the red carpet. Furthermore, my friend has suggested meeting for ‘a spot of Dutch Courage’ prior to the screening.

Fortunately for me, this column is written a week in advance, so I’ve no need to beg you not to watch News At Ten tomorrow night. LOL.