Andrew Kay: Yak Yak Yak

Deck The Halls?
aaarrrggghhh!!!

On a sunny Sunday morning, warm enough to sit outside and have a cheeky drink or two, I joined my friends Mr T & M L (the latter being your actual French). We walked down Elm Grove where, at the bottom, we were confronted, or should I say affronted, by the spectacle of a huge inflatable reindeer.
Too much and far too soon! It may sound curmudgeonly, but really, Christmas decs out before Halloween or Guy Fawkes! I was appalled.
Time certainly flies and as I get older it flies pretty damned fast. So fast that the last thing I want to see is the hastening of festivities into my life in a premature fashion.

This of course will seem somewhat hypocritical when you flick through the magazine and find that I am writing about Christmas menus. O I know, pot, kettle, black etc… but apparently when it comes to booking your festive dining now is the time to do so.
I tackled the weighty Christmas topic a few weeks back – out of necessity.
As you may have read I have family in both Somerset and in Wales. Christmas time is a family thing for me, but the logistics are complex and pitching an idea has to be done at the right moment. Too soon and it sounds contrived and desperate, too late and it sounds like you don’t care.
Between my brother and I we contrived last year to cover the whole holiday season between us so that Mum would have family around her at all times. We need to do that because Christmas also marks the anniversary of Dad’s death and of her own father’s death too – so not a good time in that sense for any of us.
I eventually decided that the time was right to call the brother and funnily enough he had been contemplating the holiday too. Fortunately he had come up with a very attractive plan, so this year I will travel to his very nice home on the Welsh Borders where I will join his family and Mum for a few days of over-eating, over-drinking and over… well over everything. I cannot wait And it also means that I can come back here to my own home for further celebrations over the new year holiday.

Now as far as I am concerned that is enough talk of Christmas for at least another six weeks. Then, and only then will I consider getting out the baubles and decking my modest halls with boughs of seasonal leafage.
Elsewhere though it will be almost impossible to avoid the festive frivolity which seems to have reared its head amongst the ghosties and ghoulies and pumpkin craziness of Halloween. This will rapidly be followed by bonfire fever and before we know it they will be parading through the city bedecked with bent willow and tissue lanterns for the spectacle that is The Burning Of The Clocks. I rather like that one, the weirdly pagan feeling of kids burning time. If only they knew, there is no such thing as time to burn.
I wish that we could slow down the pace at which all of these things arrive, maybe embargo the use of pumpkins until a week before all hallows eve, Fireworks until a week before November the fifth and Christmas decorations no sooner than December the first. Was that not the way things used to be?
Whilst I’m on the subject, can we ditch the pumpkins and return to turnip lanterns please (turnips to me, swedes to you probably). And trick or treat? Must you? Well okay but do remember the Sugar Smart campaign and perhaps seek out a different kind of treat – or the ghoulish consequences might be obesity, diabetes and amputation – now that really is scary.

Maybe we could bring back ducking and bobbing for apples – or does that run the risk of dragging out the health and safety police crying loudly “Risk of autumnal fruit-related injuries!” I ask you? Really I do.
I will be out for Halloween, or at least my lights will – and my door firmly shut. I hate fireworks, a childhood accident involving a flare match, a nylon sock and Wellington boot put paid to that and I am too old and fat to be indulging in treacle toffee and parkin, sadly.
Despite all this moaning I do love Christmas and I love the lights and baubles and tinsel and all. I love the food and the merriment, the carols and carousing and I will be first to suggest that it’s time to break open the advocaat and maraschino cherries to mix that first festive cocktail.
BUT NOT YET!
So please, if the reindeer is yours, take it down for a while yet, the only kind of deer I want to see right now is on a plate with a nice rich gravy – sorry Rudloph!