Malone disagrees with man’s best friend

My best friend has bought a dog. Dog may be man’s best friend but I am not a dog’s best friend. I’m not a fan. They yip and bark and require nurturing attention that will never be reimbursed into earning enough to put me into a nursing home when I am frail. I’ve opted for the child route. Hoping that if I am a nice enough mum, I’ll perhaps earn myself (if not a nursing home) at least an invite to move in with my daughter’s husband and children: driving them batty by having the TV on ridiculously loud.

A dog seems like a lot of work for not much in return. Doggy lovers will disagree, exclaiming about the love and companionship that these mammals offer, and I suppose they are probably more loyal and less emotionally exhausting. A dog will never turn round in 20 years time screaming “Its your fault I’m fat! You made me eat my all my dinner with bribes of pudding!”
I’m beginning to see other benefits of dog vs child. I wouldn’t need a babysitter to go out of an evening…. No one would be arrested for leaving it alone at home locked in with only a bowl of water and one chewed toy. I’m beginning to see why my best friend has bought a dog.

“I am actually jealous of my friend’s dog”

She brought it round the other day and it peed on my sofa. She brought it round a week later and it peed on my floor. When she next comes I’m going to make her put it in the bath tub… That’s if she has time for me any more. I think I am actually jealous of my friend’s dog. I try to make arrangements to see my friend and it’s “I can’t see you tonight, I’ve got dog training class”. Etc. She always has to run home to get the dog/drop off the dog/feed the dog.

The dog always comes first. I used to come first! This must have been what is was like for my friends when I had a baby. It must be really annoying when you haven’t got children to always hear “I can’t come into town now as the baby needs a nap/feeding/cranial osteopathy.

My friend was very understanding when my toddler would throw banana gloop all over her carpet, she never complained. Two pees in my lounge and I was up in arms! “Its peeing on my laminate!” My friend put down one page of newspaper for the dog to urinate on, believing this was adequate protection for my laminate flooring in my lounge kitchenette! No it is not. A massive pool of wee went everywhere. She said, “Oh, he doesn’t normally wee that much”. Knowing nothing about dogs, I said dumbly “can’t he pee in a bowl?”

Apparently not. Right, I am going to try to learn to love my best friend’s new best friend… I am.