Bare Cheek: All The Goss

News from Hollywood

12 Years a Slave director Steve McQueen has announced that a sequel to his 2013 Oscar-winner is to be made. 13 Years a Slave begins filming in November, again starring Chiwetel Ejiofor as Solomon Northrop, who is kidnapped and sold into slavery once more, this time in a Siberian salt mine. If the film is successful it is expected to be followed by
14 Years a Slave in 2016.

Heart throb actor Bradley Cooper has revealed that he is a huge fan of ‘80s UK Eric Chappell sitcom Duty Free, and would love to star in a move adaptation. “Man, I love that show,” said Cooper, from the cockpit of his emerald and ruby-encrusted private jet. “I’d kill to play the Keith Barron role, and Jennifer Lawrence would be perfect for the part essayed by Gwen Taylor.”

Steven Spielberg is due to direct his first ever pornographic movie! In a move that will shock fans of the formerly family-friendly director, filming on Sorority Babysitter Sluts is to begin in December with adult film stars Sasha Grey, Riley Steel and Brandi Love, although Spielberg is believed to be concentrating less on energetic sex and more on heartwarming scenes of friendship and togetherness.

Sadly deceased star Paul Walker is due to be replaced in Fast
and Furious 8, which is due for release in 2015, by none other than British playwright, actor and diarist Alan Bennett. “Mister Bennett will be a worthy addition to the Fast and Furious franchise,” stated producer Clayton Townsend, from his 500 foot tall tower constructed of gold bricks, pearls, diamonds, and original van Gogh paintings.

After Daniel Craig’s shock announcement that he will be making no more Bond films, actors have been queuing up to be the next 007. Front-runners are believed to be Hugh Jackman, Brad Pitt and George Clooney, although Grand Designs presenter Kevin McCloud is also making a bid for the role. “I feel very strongly that James Bond should be portrayed by a British man,” said McCloud yesterday, “and I believe I am the man for the job.

I have a great idea for a plot in which Bond is building an eco-house in the Welsh countryside.”

In&Out
Special “not real doctors” edition

In
• Fox
• Robert
• Dre
• Feelgood
• Who

Out
• Cox
• Hook
• The one from the seven dwarfs
• Evil
• Bramwell

EDWARD DE BONEHEAD’S LATERAL THINKING PUZZLES

NO. 49: THE RETIREMENT PARTY
Henderson, who has worked at the same company for forty-five years, decides to retire. His work colleagues throw a retirement party for him but, despite the fact that Henderson is popular and well-liked, only two people turn up, neither of whom he has ever met before. When Henderson sees who has turned up, he is so delighted he immediately begins body-popping. Why?

SOLUTION TO LAST WEEK’S PROBLEM:
The curry was in another dimension.

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