Nangle Natters: Fighting form
Communication is very important to me. Words are power, they’re a promise, and they have the strength to turn a mood and to destruct tall buildings with a single sentence. Sometimes, just sometimes mind, they need extra clarification. And something I would like to clarify about asking for clarification, is that it doesn’t mean that I’m saying that the other person is wrong.
Maybe it’s because an instruction or idea that isn’t clearly communicated isn’t clearly formed yet. Which would mean that asking for details can be taken as a challenge to this fledgling flight of fancy. Poor fledgling, feeling all squashed like that.
In asking for details that aren’t there yet I can help this little idea to fly as we share the tasks of building up its plumage, finding the weaknesses, and considering some future patches together. ‘Why?’ is not the same as ‘Why have you come to me with this stupid plan?’. #justsayin.
People are coming out of the gate ready for a fight. There have been a lot of fights lately. I’m not a major fighter, it has to be said, so I’m irked when I hear my voice start to rise in volume to match my conversation mate. This is not who I like to think that I am. Which is not to say it’s not who I can be.
An instruction or idea that isn’t clearly communicated isn’t clearly formed yet
It’s not their fault that I’m also getting into fighting mode, matching them subconsciously. But… as soon as it becomes conscious it’s down to me to either recognise that I’m equally responsible for this battle – or to regulate myself, calm my voice, and I try to clarify what is being said from both sides.
We’re back to clarifying communication. It’s the difference between debate and just getting cross. Also, a real bugbear for me is when someone thinks I’m arguing with them when really all I’m trying to do is find out if I already agree with them! If you don’t communicate to me clearly (although I am prepared to admit that it might be obvious to everyone else and just my sideways-brain that’s not understanding thoroughly) I am going to ask questions. Because I respect your thinking process. And I want to understand what you’re trying to tell me. Not necessarily because I think you’re a doofus. Doofus!
Arguments and debate are useful, and we get the most out of them when we don’t start off with inflexible stances. It’s about sharing and developing ideas, not point-scoring. If you want to move forward and learn then listen. Even if, after all that, I don’t agree, at least I have a better idea as to why it is a different opinion exists. A mutual respect. Which opens up negotiations….
