Landlady: Inheritance Tact


I recently heard, via the very trustworthy portals of BBC Radio 4, that so-called ‘Millennials’ are due to inherit more than any generation since before the First World War. A Millennial is typically anyone agreed between the ages of 16 and 35, which pretty much encompasses all of my children from The Big Daughter down to The Small Daughter. Their collective sick sense of humour enables my children to crack all too frequent jokes pertaining to my imminent death, involving ‘terrible accidents on the stairs’, which would be hilarious, if only Landlady Towers didn’t specialise in precarious staircases and rickety banister rails.

Disappointingly for them, this stately old bird approaches the stairway with the greatest of caution, and I haven’t fallen downstairs since the 10th anniversary party of The Hippodrome in Leicester Square. I tumbled spectacularly from the Star Bar to the peasant’s dance floor, breaking a heel and several nails, yet managing to keep an entire glass of complimentary champagne gripped fiercely in my painted claw, completely upright. In those days, I was a consummate professional when it came to stair-falling.

This stately old bird approaches the stairway with the greatest of caution

Interestingly, although I’m about 20 years too old to be a Millennial, there is a rumour going round my workplace that I inherited ‘a lot of money’, some vague time ago in my life. This is probably because I swan around the world so much. It is true that, five years ago, my kids and I sold my mum’s house in Stoke-on-Trent, thus inheriting a tidy sum of £30,000 each. I paid off my mortgage with my share and my kids still more or less have theirs, or so I’m led to believe. The swanning around the world is entirely due to hard work and low interest rates.

So actually, my Millennial offspring don’t actually need my money. Which is just as well, as I already have it earmarked for spending the remainder of my life as disgracefully as my life has been spent so far… Only it might cost a bit more, as I may need some assistance in my debauchery.

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