Andrew Kay is falling head over heels, and it’s not what you might think

I’m wearing the least attractive item of apparel that I think I have ever had to sport in my life. It’s stretchy and it’s the colour of an artificial limb. Yes, you have it, I am wearing a support bandage and it is extraordinarily uncomfortable.

The trouble started last year on my way to Holland. My knee started to give me a spot of trouble and in desperation I resorted to applying a gel that contained some pharmaceutical numbing agent, a legal product I hasten to add.

“If pushed I would say that my kneecap feels like it might not be mine”

It worked too, for a while. Then the problem started to re-occur on a fairly regular basis. Never agonising but always uncomfortable. It’s difficult to describe how it feels but if pushed I would say that my kneecap feels like it might not be mine and that my knee could at any time bend in the direction that it is not meant to, i.e backward.

It all came to a head yesterday as I was walking back from a meeting. Saddled as I was with my usual assortment of bags and equipment, I was merrily walking along when the offending knee decided to give in and collapse. Well, actually it was me that collapsed and I ended up in a heap in the street.

Fortunately two kind people helped me to my feet and to a bench where I was able to gather my strength and my wits if not my dignity. Well, let’s be frank, my dignity went years back.

Now all I have to do is try and get the damned thing sorted. And until then I will be wearing this hideous knee corset which pinches when I am sat down and makes me swing my leg like Douglas Bader when I try to walk.

So comedy walking, comedy bandage and comedy comments from all around for the near future. Please, if you see me limping around, try not to laugh out loud.