Malone remembers the horror of her school days

I’ve applied for my daughter’s school place for a primary school. I’ve had to consider where I would like my child to grow up from age 7-11. This kind of mum responsibility forces me to consider all the fears I have about my child growing up and consider what I want for her future. The pressure feels horribly god-like. I feel like I’m making decisions that will affect her whole life. These early institutions affect us forever.

“200 kids sent me to Coventry”

I remember having some issues in my 20s and a friend suggesting hypnotherapy would help. Whilst in a subconscious state the hypnotherapist asked me when I had felt this vulnerability before, and I recalled an experience from primary school that I had totally forgotten about. How I could have forgotten that the WHOLE school had stopped talking to me for months? 200 kids sent me to Coventry. The reason? Had I told someone Santa Claus didn’t exist? Had I eaten another kid’s Mojo? (The penny sweets, not Austin Power’s groovy essence)…Had I put a friend’s Cabbage Patch doll under a bus? No, I had stood up for my friend who was being bullied.

Her friend Eva had stopped talking to her and then incited everyone to ignore Geraldine. But I didn’t, I stood by her. What happened next was that people started talking to Geraldine again and sent me to Coventry instead! Not literally, that would have been quite nice for the 9-year-old me, I could have visited my grandad. No, similar to disobedient monks sent to Coventry cathedral to reform in a vow of silence, I was ignored.

Being ostracised by a whole school at 9 years old for being a loyal friend was something that apparently my brain didn’t want to remember, I buried it for years. At least ostracised biblical figures usually die quickly after, or become king or summat. I had to carry on going to primary school. After talks with teachers and parents, everything was sorted. Well apart from a few threatening phone calls from evil Eva telling me if she saw me in the street she was going to smash my face in. Secondary school was worse for bullying so perhaps I just forgot about this minor incidence until my brain was able to cope with it. So choosing a primary school might seem a simple decision for most people; “can one park outside?” But going through my head was: how likely is this school capable of permanently damaging my child’s personality? Is anyone called Eva there? Are there any islands I can bring up my daughter away from humans? Combine that with wanting her to have an incredibly good education so she can afford hypnotherapy when she’s older, making a school decision has been fraught.

I’ve had to organise psychometric testing for 200 families in Hove, ensure no children are called Eva at her new school and get a bloody grip!